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Bone Daddy (2001.12.26)
I almost approaching the conservative edge of what a reactionary person might, in a paranoid fit, accidentally call tipsy. Clearly not enough Scottish blood in me. Also featuring: Dave, Lord of the Rings, Smirnoff Ice, Veronica, not Betty, the transubstantiation and transexualization of ancient Greek love deities.

Nat King Coal (2001.12.25)
I clean house, literally and figuratively, awaiting the inherent goodness of carefully wrapped surprises. Also featuring: fourteenth century men giving me appeasement for manner becoming me, far too much discussion of clothing, Buddhists, laundry lists, poetry, eggs.

City Sidewalks, Busy Sidewalks (2001.12.20)
The city is visited. The Kate is argued over with no one. I lament my age while Emily becomes lethal. I visit Pine Bush for the first time. Also featuring: so goddamn much it overwhelms me, aliens, red rings, government experiments, the word "terrorism" and "Bush" so I see those lovely hits from the government's Carnivore program, misused of public resources, lack of lights, long lines, a yard of phallus, no presents, I get jumped over, lamentations I will laugh at next year, angel eggs, the search for angels, Heather, KC, morals

County Hellers (2001.12.08)
Haikus are written to counteract the thought that I do not love Emily completely. I become a nostalgic bitch, briefly. I find my niche at the library and it is dealing with the insane. I finally decide I do not need to be a part of PSU. Also featuring: snow, The Granddaughters, the Archangel Leirbag, adulthood, PSU and cults

The Unicorns Aren't Biting (2001.12.05)
Sarah gives her virginity up to boy named Tom. Thus the myth of a 20-year-old virgin is ended. The jag on the weirdness of my world at present is continued. The Letter M weeps because of the last entry. Also featuring: More life. The god of marriage being rent asunder. Plucked angels. Definition. Sobbing. Records skipping.

A Life Not Lived (2001.12.04)
I reevaluate my visit with Kate, annoyed by it this time. I state that I am intimate to a computer. Another crystal is found. I dislike the world. Also featuring: a life not lived. Crustimoney Proseedcake. Heidegger. Polished crystal.

Said They Call Her By Name (2001.12.02)
I discuss, at length, that other people still touch my heart. For a fleeting moment, I actually see and touch Eileen. I enjoy the awkward company of Kate. I buy far too many Christmas presents. Nazi Girl is explained.

I Want To Remove Her Gerund With A Spork (2001.11.24)
I have far too much trouble with the Secondary Ed department and my advisor. We head into the WayBak machine and see the Cloisters. Meteorites are witnessed in the extreme cold. I get sick. I want to stuff more than the turkey. Also featuring: Cults trying to overthrow my dreams, the giving of thanks for fuck me boots, particles of dust illuminating the sky and deluminating M's lungs, messianic wheels, voodoo curses.

Once More, With Feeling (2001.11.16)
I compare Kate to a vampire. At length. There are clearly issues. M and I get a taste for religion. Emily shows me a part of the town I had never heard of. Also featuring: The Vampire Kate, EZPass, Malfesia, Swiss Miss, stone houses, gelflings, South African accents, Arias, carpe noctum, phallic idols, Richard Bach

Muscle Building (2001.11.14)
Emily and I fight. I mean, really fight. With kicking. A lot of retroactive continuity involving the paranormal. A waiter acts like I am a woman. I try to sign up for classes. More crystals are found. I start working at the library. Also featuring: Raggedy Andy, foxy boxing, mysterious flute music, the grim journal, lightning bugs, potential drunken truckers, missing this cupcake, mysteriously hilarious walls, ninth floor molesters, bureaucracy, more crystals, Watcher cover.

Skipping Records and Stones (2001.11.08)
Kate is discussed. Again. I say I don't want to be with her. Again. This develops into a thesis on my psychoemotional state as it pertains to implied or over intimacy/affection toward others but centering on Emily. Again. I get hired, finally. Also featuring: Elizabeth Bishop, an abundance of Kate, employment, palatable refractions of the light spectrum, asexuality, non-capitalized fate,

Keeping One's Nose Out of Trouble (2001.11.03)
We wait forever and then Emily ends up with a broken nose. I choose to believe this is a metaphor for something. Possibly postmodernism. We cut triangles into gourds. Samhain is celebrated, albeit badly. I am forced to speak down to PSU.

What Does The War Key Open? (2001.10.26)
I confront Nazis and my dislike for stupid Pagans. I cover a decent amount of the history of PSU, give or take an embarrassment.

Phantasmagorical Exhibitions (2001.10.24)
We analyze my dreams. I get interviewed for the library job that I will likely not get. I begin my history of PSU. Also featuring: Music by The Cranberries, a passage from Anne Rice, video game imagery, phantasmagorical romantic advice, sporty specters

Walks With Hemingway (2001.10.22)
I finish reading A Farewell To Arms and sob to M about it. Sensitive boy, that Thomm. I am immensely proud of my father for his actions at Ground Zero. And we wonder where Thomm gets this sensitivity?

Mainlining (2001.10.21)
I admit I have a problem, but downright refuse to acknowledge a higher power. Oh, well. The library impresses me. Bryan gets kicked out of a play. Pumpkins are captured. Emily becomes dangerous. Well, more so. Tina looks a bit like a shaved fairy. My addictions seem less severe compared to those of others. Kate opens up about not opening up. I enlist blowjob assassins for the job of turning my face red. Also featuring: Music by Staind, Maxim, lame comic pretense, a bad play on three hundred words, egomaniacal allusions to "The Nightmare Before Christmas," bad internal rhyme, British slang for "making-out," Emily cares for an empty allergy in order to get fashionable accessories, I break stuff, red hair doughnuts, tension, blow job assassins.

Those Who Can't Teach (2001.10.17)
I spill my soul out to one of my professors about my dislike for bad teachers. The plan of creating a Montessori school is forwarded. I grumble about the lack of communication from the library. I cry about the state of the world I am forced to live in. Also featuring: Passionless teachings, four and twenty black birds baked in a pie, telephones asking me to pee, death, guilt, engraved chocolate.

Pulling Muscles From a Shell (2001.10.10)
I beg for communication. I yell to the circling horde. I try to master my own fate. I muse about Sarah. Also featuring: Carrion. Carry-on. Grasshoppers crawl on Xen. Guilt. Sarah. Mice. The Bible.

Ovoviviparous (2001.10.07)
We party like it's... well... 2001. Still, pretty darned hard. Explosions are discussed, frequently and humorously. The true nature of platypuses is revealed. I try to discern if I loathe my major. I admit a few faults, but try to justify them away. Also featuring: Conor, Flynn, Emily's middle school friend Jerame [sic], his girlfriend Anne, Emily's friend Kelly, Stevehen, Tina, Melissa, Liz, Emily and me. Bad quotes from "A Knight's Tale." Jingoism. Throttling. Sadness. Explosions. ARG.

I Was a Teenage Ghostbuster (2001.10.01)
I reveal much of the history of the Haunted Mansion. At least the parts I can vouch for. In the process, I end up revealing quite a bit about my relationship with Nick and Jen. No goats are harmed in the making of this entry. I witness a bar mitzvah. Also featuring: Succubi. Paramours. Bees with hooves. No circumcised goats.

This, Our Town of Halloween (2001.09.30)
The Haunted Mansion season begins and I frankly cannot be happier. Emily and I begin out work there. The student excels the master... in about five minutes. The Mansion does not excel. At all. In the least. Also featuring: Zombies. Hags. Santas.

Checkered Flags (2001.09.28)
Kate's likely sad I am no longer love's bitch. Or, at least, not her bitch. I shall cry three perfect tears from each eye. Or, you know, not. Still, I wonder and care about this Kate creature and her relationship to the divine Katie. Sarah confuses me and grass grows. Sarah helps me see that Emily is a lot better than I give her credit. I am attracted to boys who play woodwinds... my, that sounds homoerotic... Emily gets herself sick and I fear rabbis. Also featuring: Checkpoints. The circumcising of farm animals.

Fraternizing With the Enemy (2001.09.24)
Emily gives me a new nightmare involving sorority sex slaves. Well, it seems scary. You know, for the girls... I'm going to stop now. I (say it with me) bitch about the Pagans, though I give credit where due. Emily tempts me away from Eden. We have dinner with Dave and his love life is worse than mine ever was. I step in dog shite and call it Zen. Rachel is introduced and played with.

9/11/2001 (2001.09.17)
My world changed. The world changes. Forever. Also featuring: Xen, Emily, Kate, and Melissa to varying degrees. Cat and Kayhan. Music by REM. Quotes from Arthur Miller. 1950's type hysteria. Racism. A magic ring. A fairy. The end of an era. The end of innocence. Anthropophobia, Astraphobia, Atomosophobia, Ballistophobia, Cleithrophobia, Clinophobia, Didaskaleinophobia, Enosiophobia, Gephyrophobia, Hemaphobia, Hoplophobia, Keraunophobia, Lyssophobia, Monophobia, Nucleomitaphobia, Ochlophobia, Ombrophobia, Pnigophobia, Politicophobia, Pteromerhanophobia, Radiophobia, Taphephobia, Thanatophobia, Tonitrophobia, Traumatophobia, and Xenophobia. Old Navy Flag shirts.

Jesus Sold Italian Food and Left Crystals (2001.09.07)
I decide that giving me free food is the mark of an enlightened soul. I dare you to prove otherwise. I find bathroom crystals for the first time. I doubt it will be the last. We introduce Kayhan and Dawn. I continue not to forgive Todd for dying. M and I have something like a fight. A fight between two people who know too much about interpersonal communication. I try to plan Emily's party.

Zombie Ducks (2001.09.04)
My mother is flippy. The faire influences my behavior. There is fear. I update Conor's story a bit. Emily tells me about mutant waterfowl. Zombie movies are watched and mocked. Nothing weird goes on. I want to live on campus.

Always Up For Some Tale (2001.08.27)
I remind my audience who and what is important to me and possible foreshadow. I try to do my best on my first day at New Paltz, but don't do a very good job.

Jumping On a Dead Horse (2001.08.23)
I try to do too much in too little time and am disappointed. Any wonder. New Paltz does not function well. Zack and I help Emily move. Zack, Melissa, Liz, and I have an amazing, fun night.

The Cane Is Able (2001.08.21)
I continue my rant against my brother for ruining my and Emily's vacation. Emily and I lose our assistant. Emily mocks Nick, albeit privately. M is psychic because we work in a fantasy world. Kate and I talk, the beginning of the conversations page.

The Prodigal Sister (2001.08.20)
Kate returns home. Sans car, you'll note. It's a long story. MeLiza appears. Katie and Kate become different beings. We hunt. Emily and I have a brief vacation in Lake George.

QUSAK! (2001.08.08)
I get in a car accident. I take this well. The evil, psychic vampire Mabius is introduced and her story is told. We get a Walrus. M and my job has bizarre expectations. Pagans harass Emily. Alison and Zanna still bitch about me, sublimating their issues onto me.

Gettin' Medieval (2001.07.31)
Emily and I begin our work at the New York Renaissance Faire. We are given an apprentice to harass for our amusement. I get all twitterpated for the rennie Emily. We get hit on. A lot. Jamie reappears, this time in funny clothes. I mock anachronistic arses and leather crafters. We experience true exhaustion but force ourselves into the bastion of gross American consumerism anyway. Emily's one of those dancers. Sarah gets offered a modeling job. Melisa and Liz hang out and involve us in Mardi Gras plans and one side of a soap opera.

Pig Cows (2001.07.26)
Not even working there, and I am already teasing rennies. I'm good like that. M and I go to a speech class. Kendall will float around us, dispensing fairy dust. Namahs shall just make me want to push him in the pond. He is expanded upon, so you know. Emily politely saves my life. I'm called a rock star by a toothless, old man. I get threatened with marriage. A pig is roasted, but it would have mauled any of you. I ramble, at length, about Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. We go to the Bronx Zoo and come back alive. Emily is proud to be seen with me among the tapirs. I coddle the dead... er... sick. I ride a bike!

Every Word Is Nonsense, But I Understand (2001.07.20)
I envy and love baby fish at the Cubbyhole. Well, just the angelfish hybrid. I muse about amazement and love. Emily cheats Applebee's. Venessa goes into the hospital. A machine asks for porn. It tells us to visit platypi.

The Show's Allotted Travel Budget (2001.07.17)
Melissa, Liz, M, and I decide to go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. I try to steal children with candy.

Doormat (2001.07.16)
A new bird appears in my house. I am not happy about this. I clean and kill my brain cells with late night MTV. Emily decides to use my house as a halfway point between her house and New Paltz.

My Madonna (2001.07.15)
I realize that Emily is one of my best friends. Which isn't to say I am about to stop snogging her. I muse about my other friends and why I am so fond of them. I do this a lot. I dislike aging. I continue to be unemployed. I buy special pants. I surprise M with tickets to Dexter Freebish. I hang out with Kendall, who will be working at the Faire.

Havisham (2001.07.10)
I apply for a job that would be utterly wonderful. Women attack me! I realize things about Kate, as they pertain to my life and my happiness. I create a space for myself. I decide I want to live on campus in order to actually have college experience. My friends seem to love Emily. I can't blame them.

She's a Brick and I'm Drowning Slowly (2001.06.21)
I become slightly irked at Coley's reaction to my not wanting the Mid-Hudson Pagan Network to be listed on her boyfriend's pay site. Her boyfriend behaves in a less than admirable fashion. I deflect and defuse. I'm actually kind of proud I didn't sink to the lower level from which this seemed to stem. I ponder codependence and incomplete souls. This, of course, delves into Katie and Jen. I go to my grandmother's funeral.

Gainful (2001.06.12)
I become a lump in a cave. I dream. I clean a space of my own. Sarah writes and I muse about my relationship with M. I give M hope of a long relationship. It's all a process. M just may be psychic.

Not a Drop (2001.06.09)
My grandmother dies and I mourn her passing. There is too much death and I can't deal with all these foreign feelings. It's not fair. My mother fails at consoling me, because she isn't dealing. My father scares me by 911ing me. This is before she died. M takes care of me. I have to send e-mails that don't make sense.

For Yours Is the Kingdom of Heaven (2001.06.05)
I apply for jobs I won't get. I attain an odd sense of calm about Todd and the guilt disappears when I find out the party he threw was, unbeknownst to everyone, his going away party. I grow fonder of Emily for being with me in my time of need. I lose my library job at DCC. Kate remembers me.

For They Will Be Comforted (2001.06.02)
Todd hangs himself. It hurts so much I can't stop crying. You don't need any more description.

Not Waving But Drowning (2001.05.25)
I waver in my new relationship with Miss Emily. I simper about wanting to be alone, yet being enamored of her. My life changes, much against my will. I graduate from DCC. The gods themselves do protest. Kate leaves for New Mexico, with Virginia, a new car, and a bottle of tequila in tow. This will end badly, mark my words. M and Kate meet and sniff for the first time. I suspect Kate is having three ways with old friends. Kate gets a little too physically close to me for total comfort. Kate confesses she is frightened of this adventure. I tease her attempts to make me parental. M and I have a camp-out in her backyard. I tell Sarah of my issues and bleed too much. Still, marshmallows are roasted. And we party! I wrestle Kate to the ground to repair our friendship.

Say My Name. Tangelo (2001.05.13)
I make quite clear that pathetic, sociopathic exes have no business reading the journal and any godhead would have no interest in helping such a professional victim/victimizer. M amazes and amuses me during a perfect day in the city. We frighten those meant to scare us. M comes to my house and I show her around my world. M meets Zack and we spend time at a playground. I show M where I do my magick and we become dervishes. We hear bizarre screaming in the forest.

Two Can (2001.05.05)
I see darling Emily again!!! I am so very happy! M does a charity break-a-thon and breaks her finger, almost. I must be smitten; I woke up very early for her. She admits I am her boyfriend. Huzzah!

M (2001.05.03)
The blood drive has nothing for me to do so I end up hanging out with Tina. Tina is not happy about the future apartment. Zack is depressed, so I feed him ice cream. Zack seems to be going through with Veronica what I went/am going though with Kate. That does not bode well. Zack and I end up going to a fake Renaissance Festival in New Paltz with Nancy. Damned proselytizing Pagans! I go to bed early to be sure to be fresh to go to Salem the next day, but Bryan sabotages me by shutting off my alarm. Melissa and I go to the Stormville flea market instead and I make up names for bestiality porn. Alison and Zanna attack me on-line irrationally. Instead of cheering me up, Kate tells me to leave her alone and get a girlfriend who is not her. During a classroom visit, I lose some hope toward teaching high school. Zanna screams curses at me behind closed doors because she exists in a very bad and immature place. I use Edwin McCain in an extemporaneous spell. I talk to imaginary friends. I skip class to get classes at New Paltz. I meet a very cute, Wiccan girl named Emily. I am very smitten. We end up hanging out and holding hands.

Humbert Learns (2001.04.26)
I hang out with Nancy and Kate, separately. I take pictures among gravestones. Over-protective parents snatch Nancy away, while I calmly walk. Kate's roommate and her new, bigoted "cuddle-buddy" sicken me and I gamble upon Kate committing homicide. Everyone sees getting drunk, and nothing else, as a plan for the night to my extreme dismay and confusion. Instead, they bean each other with a tennis ball. Fun. I take pictures of this "sport." I mourn that Kate's soul may be in storage for years. I am depressed that the play is over, only in the fact that no one I care about came. I hang out with Tree and shave Zack's head. My wisdom amuses people. A spider builds a web in my hands. I strive to rescue Western European Sarahs.

Pleasantville (2001.04.22)
I explain where I used to think color came from. I spend time with Miss Nancy at an Earth Day fair. She wins points because she smells like Sarah. This may well be a sick statement. She tries to make me more than I can be to her. I am her friend, I can't be more. Kate nic-fits and makes me drive her to her car to get cigarettes. Kate worries about crashing into me with her multi-colored head.

Prune (2001.04.20)
I go on two nearly date with Miss Kate that turn out quite nice. She wants my germs. A large light hits my head. Eileen reacts poorly to my going on dates with Kate and yells at me. But everything gets smoothed out in the end. Nancy decides, against my will, that she is in love with me. I warn her against this course of action. Zanna act strangely. More so than usual, I mean. I extend my hand in freedom and a trained trull bites it. Rwanda touches me deeply and Kate says she respects me less for it. Irish Bird chirps at me.

Sadism (2001.04.08)
Kate sets up a date with me to see Quills. Kate melts over the idea of kissing me and states that she wants to do it again. I, of course, welcome her. I give Zack adventure, whether he is coupled or not. We encounter a skeleton outside a haunted house. It seemed sad to be dead. We have a pleasant night at the Cubbyhole. I "walk." TPTB admonish me for a lack of attention. I evade police. The world gets too weird, with meteorite swords and clones on the news.

mud-luscious (2001.04.06)
I hang out in the grass with Todd, Zoey, and Interesting Astrid. I fall in love with the season. I do a very good job talking to Artemis. CG is out of class with family issues, to my sadness. I visit Venessa. She thinks Kate is trying to make herself a victim and victimizing me at the same time. Nancy is introduced and falls for me. Oh, dear. I detail my loathing for astrological excuses for reprehensible behavior.

Chanson Innocente (2001.04.04)
It is spring and I dream. I dream of Jen, Kate, and Stevehen. It is very strange. I explain who Jen is. Zack and Veronica break up. Keilaina and Ian break up. Kate and I have an amazing conversation that confuses me further. I hallucinate. Zack and I climb a tower.

Cunning Linguist (2001.04.01)
I am far too attracted to characters in a high school play. Granted, this is the high school that has tens of thousand of dollars and professional actors. I bring Alison and Zanna. I am introduced to Invader Zim. DCC tries to make it hard for me to graduate. Bastards. Kate and I aren't talking because I need a break from the games she is playing. Eileen wants a boyfriend, but won't have me because she says I belong with Kate. Erm.

Diverse Coquette (2001.03.30)
I flirt in hopes to make friends. PURE is bloody stupid, but that is hardly new. I attend a diversity day, by accident. Artemis is introduced. So, I scap up Todd, who scaps up Dulcinea, and try to flirt with Artemis. Got it? The media lies to Todd and I and we deride it and the society is has spawned.

Salivating Dogs (2001.03.29)
I discuss Kate, the conditioned response. I try to cease friendship with her and fail. She objectifies and hurts me. She is trying to be shallow and throwing invisible men in my face.

Box Dwellers (2001.03.25)
Friend ditch me because, evidently, Kate is more their friend. How bloody sweet. I collect CDs for killing college students. I end up crying over manipulative music. I want very badly to live in a dorm. If this is not accomplished, I will be forced to summon Doom. I tell Kate that being around her makes me a dork and she give me hope. Err.

Life Is Beautiful (2001.03.23)
Don't think the irony of naming this entry after a movie about the Holocaust is lost on me. I decide that it is beautiful to want Kate. I try to give you, my readers, a greater progression. A dream involving Flynn and tennis damns me to love her more. We were very right together and very much in love.

Swansong (2001.03.21)
I do not want to desire Kate but I feel helpless against it. I try to stifle hope before it smothers me. Dulcinea is introduced.

A Tender Age In Bloom (2001.03.20)
I fawn on Kate knowing full well she does not want me. I try to use the love as a shield and weapon though. I'm not deluded; I know I am not in control. I share a very brief interaction with a true beauty, yet it will say with me. I Zen over a production of Fiddler on the Roof. Stupid Pagans perpetuate rumors. Spring is here again.

So Quite New (2001.03.16)
Kate and I are together. Intimate. Tomorrow she leaves for Texas, but tonight, she was mine. She welcomed my kisses and caresses. I try not to overthink this amazing night, but you know I will.

Swimming With the Fish (2001.03.15)
I attend a concert to be with the goldfish and hopefully meet a mermaid. I confuse people, as is my wont. But it allows an acquaintance to get drunk, so there is still goodness left in the world. I am disgusted by dirty old men, so I punch one in the face "accidentally." Sometimes violence is the answer. I view mosh pits as microcosms. I get hit on in a bad way. Eileen tells me she will always be a little jealous of any girl I mention.

Dreamt (2001.03.12)
I take sleeping pills and hallucinate. I clean away the trash thrown by the wayside of my life. I sing to my cat. I become enchanted with myself. I bash Kate against my better wishes. She tries to protect me from who she really is. I discuss Jen a bit. My dreams tuck me in with love. I fall in love with a product of my own mind.

Eden or Gethsemane (2001.03.10)
I eat a very symbolic apple. Kate thinks she is responsible for my happiness. I ask her to dinner. I accept my lot. She is honest with me, but claims it is alcohol talking. She appreciates that which is new and shiny, ignores things that actually have substance. She claims all sorts of men are after her, but I shouldn't worry. Then she says I am amazing. Damn her. I theorize about Irish Bird's fear of me.

The Hook Brings You Back (2001.03.08)
I try to visit Sarah and lose my car in the process. I recount how this isn't the first time and I suspect it is a curse. I fall several operational levels down from the stress of trying to tow the car home. Eileen worries that she will lose me.

Vacuous (2001.03.06)
My bed is empty and my psyche wants to fill it with Kate. Our tryst over winter break touched me much too deeply. I realize that no one finds me truly amazing. I realize the world equates love with weakness.

Kendall and the Koi Pond (2001.03.04)
I see Kendall. She confesses attraction to me. We kiss. We decided we shouldn't kiss anymore. There is relief. I encounter I girl I am attracted to for her humor, but she happened to be the girlfriend of another member of our company. I equate the bar scene to a koi pond. I am intrigued, though unattracted to women.

Africanized Thought Bees (20010302)
I decide solitude is where I should be right now. I hold Kate, and am warmed. However, I realize that there is no one that I want to be with. I give explicit instructions as to what one should do to woo me, however.

Grok (2001.02.28)
I seek true oneness with another. My date with CG does not go well, but it does help me to realize a bit about solitude and togetherness.

Bronzed (2001.02.26)
CG does not reject my request for a date, despite immense fears that she would. This turn of events frightens me. She calls me. She is sweet. As such, I dance with a poodle.

Echoes (2001.02.25)
I talk about love. Act surprised. I introduce CG and Irish Bird, hoping that either or both will grow close enough to warrant real names. Irish Bird, to my knowledge, is not much with the Xen. I do, however, ask CG on a date. Which is something.

Before Your Kisses Got So Vicious (2001.02.19)
Eileen and my Substitute Valentine NotADate gets called on account of the travails of reality. Evidently, we are now no more than friends. This, of course, is not by my choosing. I fume, displacing my disappointment, at my alleged peers who hook-up in lieu of real interaction. I proudly curse those who would fuck rather than feel, however.

Nothing, In Moderation (2001.02.15)
I get overly sensual, which is a shame since I am alone. I require corrective lenses, though not because I am alone. Hey, I don't like where this it going!!! I meet with a cyber friend and experience all the awkwardness of a first date with none of the pay off of building something real. Fun. I fall more for Eileen and ask too bluntly for her to make a decision about me. I call Kate and she admits to missing me. As such, I visit her (against my better judgment.)

Fan On High (2001.02.12)
I respond to the fans I didn't know I had. It's kind of fun, except when it is scary. My ex-girlfriends become mothers and it makes me confused. I feel old and derailed. I don't know where my life is headed.

Let There Be Light (2001.02.11)
My first attempt at an intentional journal entry. A quick summary of my relationship up to that point with Eileen, dear girl.

With Potential (2001.02.10)
I try not to sound like a jerk while inquiring if I can be Eileen's love. I delve into Robbins, Nin, Erikson, Carter, Dobyns, King, and Christ to prove my point. I am serious about this girl.

Falling Up (2001.02.04)
I have a hard time admitting that I am falling in love with Eileen. Except for that part where I just did. I try to lecture to a rapidly filling heart. I need her and grow fonder of her each day. I enact a one person play that makes me cry.

Arcane Pathos (2001.02.02)
I read the letter Eileen sent me straight through, to my credit. I explain a bit of who I am and how I view myself using Tarot cards. Props are fun. I tell you what I think of relationships. And her. Gods, how wonderful she is.

Annotated List (2001.01.30)
I enumerate why I am falling in love with Eileen. It is a trifle pathetic, but in an endearing way.

No Day But Today (2001.01.29)
I express utter disinterest with the chain-smoking Kate. Smokers, let this be a message to you. Ick. I understand my purpose in Kate's life. While around Kate, I think of Eileen. Incessantly. I am definitely falling. Plus, you know, she unbelievably attractive. Oh, damn. Eileen comes to my house and we eschew movie-watching in order to have a wonderful time together. I kiss her darling neck and shoulders. This is pure and right, the way things should be.

I Still Have to Believe in Love (2001.01.21)
I see Kate and end up far more involved than I should be. I, of course, end up feeling used because I fail to learn my lesson. I am ashamed of what I would do for her and her poetry leads me to believe that she will use me any chance she gets. So she won't get another chance because I am growing smitten with Eileen. She is amazing, despite her age.

Well Worth the Dig (2001.01.10)
I venture to Woodstock to see Quills with Conor, Zanna, and Alison. Zanna has a small tantrum because she senses inequity. I am reborn, though it is painful. Life is stagnating.

From England, With Love (2001.01.09)
Kate has me call her while she is in England. She misses me greatly. I flirt with her and she enjoys it. I feel jilted from reality because a friend my age just had her second daughter. I get hit on at the mall, evidently. Twice.

Watching the Clock (2001.01.07)
I consider going out west seeking adventure this summer. I inform Kate that she is the person who can make me happiest. Of course, this results in tears.

Hamster (2001.01.04)
I do not know what my role is in Kate's life, but I know she is playing me from all sides. I muse as to the purpose of my writing, comparing it to something not unlike urination. Kate and I share a tender moment when I give her the angel pendant.

Excerpt from the Edge (2001.01.03)
I spend too much time being Kate's ex-boyfriend and not enough just being her friend. I worry that she is going to be with other men for the wrong reasons. (That they are not me.) We allow her a voice in these matters.

Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. Double Dragon publishes four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, and Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings. He likes when you comment.

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