02.28.01 10:11 p.m.
"Like an opaque Heinlein novel, I am a stranger in a strange land."
02.28.01 10:11 p.m.
I seek dyadic consciousness.
I cannot, do not wish to, date. I want to attain a constant union of souls with another. As I am driven to share this with you, it should be clear that I have yet to find her.
I have never been with one whom I have been a true couple. Kate and I bordered on it shortly in the birth of our relationship. We cease to fully belong to our respective selves. She said we were making our own universe together. It faded. She felt it meant we hated the world, that it was "us" against "them." That wasn't it at all for me, it made the world all the more beautiful and appealing because I felt a greater part of it, I had another to share it with.
I do not feel as though I belong. Not to any person, cause, group, place, etc. I belong to myself alone. I am not, however, a loner. I am incredibly gregarious in most environments and situations. I am warm and fluidly social. Yet I am lonely in a crowded room.
This isn't romantic. Not necessarily. Let me explain.
I had my date with CG. Only I am not precisely sure it was a date, in the conventional and my subjective way, as CG brought her friend Bryscream (obviously another pseudonym, I do not have permission). That and she dropped me off at my car an hour after the date began. However, this is not my issue here.
Bryscream and CG were a definite dyad. They casually stated that they rarely were apart, had numerous adventures together, and virtually shared money. Seeing this made me realize that it is exactly what I want. I am not about to get in the middle of their dyad. I cannot possibly have with CG what she has with Bryscream. I would always be on the outside. One to be discussed as an issue, not the one she would discuss issues with.
Kate assures me this is a perfectly normal human drive. Which likely means she doesn't understand my perspective fully; perhaps I explained it poorly to her. I have not witnessed many, if any, people expressing this desire on a similar level. To wit, I have experienced, both personally and vicariously, people fleeing from the mere concept of dyads. Too restrictive, they lament. It sounds codependent, they falsely justify. I'm too much of a tumbleweed, they state. Well, tumbleweeds are quite dead before they are able to be blown about aimlessly.
Lone wolves don't exist. Wolves are social creatures; pack animals. Lone wolves die because they do not want to live alone.
I am content being alone with Xen. I'm told he's a lovely person with whom to be alone.
I want the other, I need myself.
reading : Another Roadside Attraction, Tom Robbins, Buffy recaps
wanting: The other.
interesting thought: Dreams influence reality more than we give them credit for. Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. Double Dragon publishes four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, and Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings. He likes when you comment.