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04.10.99 7:28 p.m.

"When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic."

 -John Kenneth Galbraith 

Jesus Healed The Cripples

Created on 3/22/01 from a letter written to Kate.
I am fairly self sufficient and I will not cripple myself. I care about myself too much to allow some little masochistic part to torment me endlessly and needlessly. I am practically a legal adult! Why in the name of all which I hold holy (that being Kate) should I hurt myself anymore?
I was never ever a victim. But I was such a fool. But "was" is not "am." I shall not allow myself to enter a self-destructive spin, not shall I let Kate if I have any power to stop it. I love her as she is. In a way, which only she would completely understand, I've always loved her. And I won't allow that to end, not without a fight.
This is why I worry about her, about her welfare. She scares me so much at times. But I will protect her to the death as long as she allows me.
When I kissed her that first time in the theater, I knew that she was something totally different. That we couldn't have a ho-hum relationship. It's not a relationship; it's a life altering experience. A force of nature, as I have put it so many times. I knew I wanted to for all that she is. For the ever frightening passion inside her.
I couldn't handle this. It was not even an adult relationship. It's so far past that. It's like dating Jesus. My, I hope you get that, because I barely do. Just picture it (Yes, Xen the heathen is going to get biblical, forgive him): Mary Magdalene, a prostitute, meets Jesus. This amazing man who literally is a god. The only man in her pitiful life to ever treat her well. And why does he treat her well? Because he knows she deserves it. He doesn't care for a moment what she was; only what she is. He sees the ever-divine light in her that not even she can see anymore. He could have anyone in the world. He wants her. She has suffered. She has earned that soul that he loves so dearly. And she initially distrust him because all men ever wanted from her before was sex. This is the first man to just love her for whom she is. To be pure of intention. So do you see what I mean?
I was so taken aback by her not wanting something from me, only wanting ME. I initially wanted a frivolous fling with her as she wanted with me. Before I would not have admitted that. But she inspires me to be honest to myself as well as her. To drop the fucking walls that pester me. And it is damned frightening. All of this is. That was why I was initially so awkward around her. I didn't want the maturity to handle this. I knew it would transform me. I had had quite enough of transformations. It hurts to let go of the comfort you are so used to. But I let go for her as much as for myself. I needed to continue to evolve. It you stop evolving, you die. Your soul stagnates in an algae filled pond.
You can defeat the past. No matter how hard you try, you cannot outrun your shadow. I would love it I could just delete my past and start fresh. But my past has influenced who I am to such a huge extent. The people I've known, if only for a moment. But you can forgive the past. You can look back and try to understand. To forgive YOURSELF. That is one of the hardest things to do. To quote Mr. Gone from the Maxx "I'm so ashamed, I could die. I can forgive myself, now. But I just can forgive ...that little boy I was. I know. I know. Unless I forgive THAT boy, I'll never be redeemed. Bacause I'M that boy! GET it? I'm HIM! IRONIC, huh?" Well, you get the point.
I like who I am now, but not who I was. And I can't forgive who I was. Not just yet. I am sure you understand. All I can do is know that somehow, my life will work. That for this torture there IS redemption.
The knowledge of these things gives me power over them. I need my past to remain in my past.
Kate has done something I don't recall anyone ever doing. She has transferred my natural passion into the ... um ... "romantic?" realm. When I am with her, I can lose myself in her kisses and caresses. She becomes my whole world. I don't want to float away. I want to be kissing her and holding her with every fiber of my being. It makes me feel more human. Not so detached from the world. I think that our unfathomably deep spiritual connection is the reason that I am passionate TOWARD her and not just passionate FOR her. Do you see the difference?
I don't ever want her to feel worthless or degraded around me or because of me. She has more worth than anyone else in the whole world to me. She is a different person that the one she was. I know she knows this in her heart. She is my goddess consort. She is the girl I will wed one day. She represent and epitomize all I really care about in this world. I won't rush her into anything, she is my precious darling.

reading: sad letters
listening: my ears go deafwanting: Katie to be completely happy and healthy
interesting thought: Everything leaves its mark and you can never fully remove tattoos.

Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. Double Dragon publishes four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, and Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings. He likes when you comment.

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