Skip to content

06.10.99 8:30 a.m.

"Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours."

  -Frank Moore Colby 

Created on 3/22/01 from a letter written to Kate.
I wrote some very pissy letters to Kate and I am sorry. I was not, or rather, am not in at all a good mood. And I took it out on her, which I know is wrong. Actually I was taking it out on just about everyone in my surroundings, after I got home. My father started getting bitchy at me when I was in this mood, and I burst out in tears and ran into my room, where I bawled (As in moaning into my pillow, full body convulsions) for a while. Which is certainly not my normal behavior.
I am just going through a lot of stuff, most of which I don't consciously know about. Some of it does involve Kate. I am all screwed up about her. I don't know how to explain it. I think I pity that she has to endure all of this, too. Just, right now, I am ultra-sensitive about anything emotional. So, being as she evokes all manners of emotions within me, it is just too much to handle right now.
I just need some time and space before I can be normal happy Xen again. But I will be the man she loves again and I think it will be soon. I don't know what it is going to take. But I do want her to know that she is the most important thing in my life, frankly the reason I exist as such, and I don't want to lose her. I don't ever want to be with anyone else, nor do I want her to be with anyone else.
Please bear with me, because I am going to suck for a while. Try to take me with a grain of salt and some understanding. I don't mean to or want to be a bastard, especially to Kate. I just don't know what to do. I just want to be alone to think out everything. But I can't not be with her.
I want her to love me and endure me the best she can. I do love her, despite my behavior. I love her more than I can endure myself. I wouldn't do this for anyone else.

reading: nothing
listening: dry sobs
wanting: to be a better man for Kate.
interesting thought: Birth is painful.

Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. Double Dragon publishes four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, and Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings. He likes when you comment.

eXTReMe Tracker