Melissa

Melissa was born of gun-toting Republicans that are little seen by Melissa's friends if said friends know what is good for them. Melissa has lived through more in her years than most people ever will. Certainly a lot more than people are built to. In fact, she once exploded and she walk away from it. No, not figuratively. There were flames, third degree burns, and a car that no longer had a roof. Later, she did enough coke to kill an elephant (really) and was still sensible enough to tell her mother to take her to rehab. That's impressive and you know it. She has counseled disturbed children and adults, as well as given speeches to a room full of drug abusers that actually got through to them.

Melissa met Xen through a girl he briefly dated when he was fifteen. Melissa had three-way calling, so they soon began talking without that girl. An apocalyptic Renaissance painter played a small part in a way we prefer not to expand upon.

She dated Stevehen for several years, longer than most outsiders expected their live-in relationship to last. They both blame Xen for their ever getting together, since he introduced them. He certainly didn't mean to and had no idea they would remotely hit it off. He was just trying to maximize his time-to-friend ratio. He, perhaps too passively, discouraged them from getting together, but no one listens to him. Now, she pretty much loathes Stevehen, so Xen considers himself vindicated in the least satisfying way possible.

Her best friends is Angela, when Angela is not too busy pretending she is an adult. This makes Angela both the longest lasting and tallest female best friend Melissa has ever had. Melissa used to get along with Zack, but they fell out over the fact that Zack's then girlfriend did not like Melissa's then boyfriend. Also because Zack is a dick, according to her. She got along with Melanie, but did not trust the age difference. She certainly liked Melanie much better than Emily, whom Melissa not-so-quietly scorned behind Xen's back while the two were a couple.

Melissa wrote the column Fear and Loathing in Hopewell Junction.

Vital Statistics

Known Aliases: Melberta, Melisqua, Pricillicone Queen of the Transvestites, Horse Bill, "The Enforcer"

Birthday: August 3, 1980

Zodiac: Leo

Height: 5'8.5" (approximately)

Eyes: kaleidoscopic

Hair: Tonks colored and styled

Spiritual Path/Religion: Mocking atheism, though she seems to believe in an afterlife.

Quotes: "Why can't the tinking pinky be the thinking pinky too?"
"I blowed up."
"Did you know that burnt skin smells like McDonald's french fries? Hey, let's go get some McDonalds!"
"Glade hallucinations never lie to you!"
"I like watching stuff more than doing stuff."
"Goddamn you, there is NOT steak in that cow! Oh, wait..."
"It is reputed that there is a chocolate Glade, the Holy Grail. Someday I will find it. I think they have it in Virginia."
"Of course Australia isn't real. Have you ever been there? Of course not. It's not real. Wallabies indeed."
"And skunks think: 'doot doot doot, I'm a skunk. Doot doot doot, I'm a skunk.' Angry skunks think: 'dootdootdoot! I'm a skunk! Dootdootdoot! I'm a skunk!'"
"Man, I'd be so much cooler if I were black."
"Election day is like Christmas Eve, if Christmas might also be Armageddon."

Divine Dominion Over: Explosions, drugs, rehab, NOFX, The Simpsons

Best advice: "Whatever I do, don't."

Future Profession: Counselor or daredevil

Current Profession: Working with an autistic girl.

Best Quality: Given the fact that she catches fire and reforms, she might be a phoenix.

Weakness(es): She claims to know that fire will one day kill her.

Superpower: Actually, she is fire proof and has survived events that would have killed anyone else. A knife would shatter and melt if thrown at her.

Similar to: Homer Simpson, Bill the Cat