Emily
Emily was born on a breezy fall day. We don't know for certain that it was breezy, but we don't know that it wasn't. So, for all extents and purposes, a cool breeze was rolling across the ocean, though she was not particularly close to the ocean at the time. As such, she can swim (and spit water) like a dolphin. Shh, go with it. She was raised in a Jewish family, which gave her a strong nose (despite multiple and pronounced breakings) and more guilt than any other twelve people. She made the mistake of once telling Xen that she used to practically chant, "I was good, wasn't I? I did good, right?" This psychological complex lives to this day. She grew up in Brooklyn, but has almost no discernable accent to this extent, though she did gratingly and ingratiating used to utter the phrase, "You cawlin' me?" exactly as you would imagine of a two-year-old gangster or Cyndi Lauper. According to Emily, when she was two, she was banging pots and pans together. When her parents dotingly questioned what she was doing, she explained that she was "making breakfast for schizophrenic." She insisted then and swears to this day that she learned the word from Sesame Street. What transcripts we've found suggest this word -- along with "sodomy," "assassin," and "pumblechook" -- has never been spoken by Big Bird. From there, and despite a horrendous third grade teacher who made Emily feel stupid owning to her dyslexia - which she immediately compensated for by learning to speed read - she ended up attending a prestigious magnet school for theater in Montclair, New Jersey. Evidently there are high schools that are for something. Emily befriended Frankie Faison's daughter and estranged herself from Christina Ricci (who, according to Emily, once ran crying from the locker room because the other girls were teasing her for wearing Garfield underroos, just FYI). The former affiliation apparently led to Emily having her own agent, starring more than once as Tommy in the eponymous musical by The Who, and making an afterschool special about slang where she uttered the phrase "bump that, Kwami!" but she may have wisely destroyed all evidence of any of this because Xen promises he would giggle over the tape of it once a week if she didn't. In high school, Emily became painfully shy and stopped singing unless held down and threatened with water pistols. She moved her attention backstage and is a dynamo at fixing things. As point of fact, she always used to carry duct tape and a leatherman with her to great effect. She attended the State University of New Jersey, where she made up the Women's Studies curriculum because they did not have one. They likely thought it better not to fight her as they weren't going to win against the force that is Emily when she manages to concentrate. In college, her hormones missed a corner and her normal lust became wanderlust. She spent a year abroad in Glasgow, returning with an accent and the ability to hold her liquor. Both abated with time, to the regret of the world. She is a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and was once put on the National Team without even having to compete. They are likely scared of her mad ninja-fu. This may also be why she was the Woman of the Year 2004 and 2005 according to the Martial Arts Hall of Fame. Zack once made the mistake of tapping her from behind on a dark street. He was on the pavement and she was guiltily apologizing to him before anyone had a chance to breathe. She loves her cats Seltzer and Pyewacket and tolerates a truly ugly dog named Hot Rod and his new cocker spaniel consort, as well as numerous hamster and tarantulas. We guess she likes animals more than she likes most people. And by that, we mean that she likes being with animals more than most people do. But by that, we also mean that she likes animals more than she likes most people. She was an animal control officer for years and still is sometimes called in for all expenses paid missions to either reunite or seize dogs states away. She lapses in and out of vegetarianism the way soap opera characters do of comas. Ethically, she can't be a part of the suffering of any living thing. Logically, bacon cheeseburgers are delicious. She met Xen at the New Paltz orientation for matriculating students in 2001 and they two began to date within a week. Despite some early faltering on his part, most notably when be briefly broke up with her, the two got on fairly well. He proposed in 2005 and they were handfasted in 2006. She ended their engagement and then relationship a year later, only a few months short of their wedding, because she wanted to discover who she was as an unattached adult in New York City. She promptly got into a relationship with her Tae Kwon Do buddy Tim - evidence points to this relationship having at least emotionally started before she broke it off with Xen - and moved into a house on her coven's property in Warwick, so she does not get full marks there. But, hey, she got engaged to Tim a year and a day after dumping Xen (and married him a bit under a year later), so she gets a bonus point there. Xen is way friendly with her, even though she uninvited Melanie and him to her wedding. Emily's life, irrespective of the above paragraph, has taken numerous twists and turns. She has cycled through potential jobs - from glorified dog catcher, to intern at Planned Parenthood, to program coordinator for volunteer vacations - only to return to working at the gym which has been a mainstay in her life until scoring a great job as a local college, sending students out of the country. Fate dashes her plans frequently, most notably when she tore her ACL, derailing her plans to become a nurse and compete is several crucial competitions, though it did mean that she didn't move into Xen's parents' house. After the aforementioned breakup, Emily became estranged from much of the main cast. While some do not have any specific problem with her (Dan Kessler, Kei) and some only dislike how she treated Xen (Zack), others took the opportunity to correct Xen that they were never friends with her (Melissa, Angela). This likely does not matter to Emily very much, as she still has her husband Tim and her clan, including Dives Dives, who took Emily's side before Xen realized there were sides to take. She used to write the column Stars in the Daytime, previously known as A Wish for Wings, previously known as Letting the Sky In, though she has not felt the urge since the breakup. She briefly wrote the sex advice column In Bed with M, but stopped once she realized a knowledge of sexual health might detract from her marketability. |
Vital StatisticsBirthday: October 12, 1979 (ask for ID if you don't believe it) Zodiac: Libra Height: 5'5" Eyes: A crisp ocean blue to the color of the sky just as the sun rises Hair: Gilded Ramen noodles, very similar to that of Sandro Botticelli's adult angels. Or red, depending on the light, whether she dyed it, and her mood. Spiritual Path/Religion: Pantheistic Pagan Prevaricator and open-minded Gardnarian Wiccan (she likes Jesus, she likes everybody) with a heavy dose of Tibetan Buddhism
Quotes: "You shower like a Greek statue" Divine Dominion Over: Melanie Griffith, Ramen Noodles, Lady MacBeth, Mr. Potato-Head, fireflies, badly dubbed martial arts movies, hot soy milk with honey, animated fetuses. Best advice: Anything inanimate is better in a napkin. Future Profession: Peaceful anarchist, nun, or president of Save the Children. Current Profession: International education coordinator Best Quality: Compassion. Weakness(es): Easily waylaid by guilt, indecision, disgustingly low self-image, lactose intolerant, midnight, sick animals, distance Superpower: She somehow knows the lyrics to and can sing every song she has ever heard since birth. Similar to: Cringer/Battlecat from He-Man, Maureen from RENT, Alyssa Jones from Chasing Amy
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