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Emily was born on a breezy fall day. We don't know for certain that it was breezy, but we don't know that it wasn't. So, for all extents and purposes, a cool breeze was rolling across the ocean and carried blessings onto her, though she was not particularly close to the ocean at the time. As such, she can swim (and spit water) like a dolphin.
She was raised in a Jewish family, which gave her a strong nose, tenacious spirit, and more guilt than any other twelve people. She made the mistake of once telling Xen that she used to practically chant, "I was good, wasn't I? I did good, right?" She very likely was not told often enough how remarkable she was and is, so this psychological complex lives to this day.
She grew up in Brooklyn, but has almost no discernable accent to this extent, though she did gratingly and ingratiating used to utter the phrase, "You cawlin' me?" exactly as you would imagine of a two year old gangster.
According to Emily, when she was two at most, she was banging pots and pans together. When her parents dotingly questioned what she was doing, she explained that she was "making breakfast for schizophrenic." She insisted then and swears to this day that she learned the word from Sesame Street. What transcripts we've found suggest this word -- along with "sodomy," "assassin," and "pumblechook" -- has never been spoken by Big Bird.
From there, and despite a horrendous third grade teacher who made Emily feel stupid owning to her dyslexia -- which she immediately compensated for by learning to speed read -- she ended up attending a prestigious magnet school in Montclair, New Jersey for theater. Evidently there are high schools that are for something. Emily claims to have befriended Frankie Faison's daughter and estranged herself from Christina Ricci (who, according to Emily, once ran crying from the locker room because the other girls were teasing her for wearing Garfield underroos, just FYI). The former affiliation apparently led to Emily having her own agent, starring more than once as Tommy in the eponymous musical by The Who, and making an afterschool special about slang where she uttered the phrase "bump that, Kwami!" but she may have destroyed all evidence of any of this.
In high school, Emily became painfully shy and withdrawn and, despite a voice that could rend the chastity from an angel, stopped singing unless held down and threatened with water pistols. She moved her attention backstage and is a dynamo at fixing things. As point of fact, she always used to carry duct tape and a leatherman with her to great effect.
She attended the State University of New Jersey, where she says she made up the Women's Studies curriculum because they did not have one. They likely thought it better not to fight her as they weren't going to win against the force that is Emily when she manages to concentrate.
In college, her hormones missed a corner and her normal lust became wanderlust. She spent a year abroad in Glasgow, returning with an accent that could turn the aforementioned chaste angel into a nymphomaniac and the ability to hold her liquor. Both abated with time, to the regret of the world.
She is a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and was once put on the National Team without even having to compete. They are likely scared of her mad ninja-fu. This may also be why she is the Woman of the Year 2004 and 2005 according to the Martial Arts Hall of Fame. Zack once made the mistake of tapping her from behind on a dark street. He was on the pavement and she was guiltily apologizing to him before anyone had a chance to breathe.
She loves her cats Seltzer and Pyewacket. I guess she likes animals more than she likes most people. And by that, I mean that she likes being with animals more than most people do. But by that, I also mean that she likes animals more than she likes most people. She was an animal control officer for years and still is sometimes called in for all expenses paid missions to either reunite or seize dogs states away.
She lapses in and out of vegetarianism the way soap opera characters do of comas. Ethically, she can't be a part of the suffering of any living thing. Logically, bacon cheeseburgers are delicious.
She dumped Xen at the very tail-end of 2007, just a few months before their wedding, because she wanted to discover who she was as an unattached adult in New York City. She promptly got into a relationship with her Tae Kwon Do buddy -- evidence points to this relationship having at least emotionally started before she break it off with Xen -- and moved into a house on her coven's property in Warwick, so she does not get full marks there.
Known Aliases: M, Tangelo, Toad, Bedelia, Bedelia-head, Bedelia-monkey, Spaz, Firefly, Tumblefly, Fireweed, Demonic Butterfly, Spoonbender, Snoozipotamus, Snoozdadeathpuppet, Bruce, Puppy, Sprout, Peanut, Nicaragua, Zimbabwe, Zem, Tink, Witchling, Shed, Shedlemonkey, Shedmonkey, Ender, Peakfreen
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"Warriors should not have to wear stockings!"
"Validate my existence, bitch!"
"Everyone knows where they were when Kennedy was shot, but they don't need t-shirts to remind them."
"Bees with hooves?! Good heavens, they'll trample the roses!!!"
"I was once late to work because I was looking at my tongue."
"Comparing [the Queen of the Damned movie] to the book is like comparing the Slingblade to Chronicles of Narnia."
"To understand is blasphemy."
"I am so much cooler when I don't know what I'm talking about."
"I'm worried that one day they'll make a down pillow out of a very unhappy angel."
"Any time Ganesh sees a blackbelt, things are bound to happen."
"I deserve orgasms."
"Anything inanimate is better in a napkin."
"I'm a sherpa bear."
"Bump that, kwami."
"They call me Zem, it's short for Zimbabwe. It's true. Sometimes they call me Nicaragua."
"It wasn't a bee, but I killed it like it was."
"Klingons are never schmaltzy."
"I want to make my menstrual syndrome the Dead Sea."
"The whole world is going crazy and I can't have pancakes?!"
"I have lightning fast pudding hands!"
"It'll be our little Secret. It'll be like child abuse."
"One of the saddest things in the world is crying when you are washing your face."
"I run fevers like kittens."
"When you flip somebody off, do your fingers get shorter?"
"In death, we are all Robert Paulsen."
"I won't kick you, but I do want chicken."
"My new hobby will be teasing you unmercifully."
"[My coach is] Eastern block with dreadlocks."
"Jesus is the color of my belly."
"It's like a bubblebath but in a bad way."
"I've decided that I'm not a morning person or night person. I'm just not a person."
"All the girls are chaste until the boys catch them."
"Disney's insidious fingers are in everything you do."
"Non-compassionate living tastes so good."
"I just remembered, I can't get herpes." Defining Moment in Relationship:
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