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    Melanie wishes she hailed directly from France rather than just owing allegiance and citizenship to the country through her mother. Instead, she can pass for a wholesome American girl, though she'd prefer this were not the case. She speaks fluent, though vernacular French (often on the phone with her mother, with the occasional and jarring Anglo word thrown in). She possesses disdain for the continent of her childhood. She has also spent time in Switzerland, Egypt, England, Austria, Japan, Morocco, and the Czech Republic. Her passport is highly stamped over and she prefer leaving to staying, no matter where she currently is, which is presently Boston, Massachusetts.

    She lived most of her life in a town in Ohio so dull that even the name seems to drain the life from her eyes. She is the only acknowledged daughter of two college professors, a condition that forced her to be precociously intelligent in order to compensate at dinner parties.

    Like most sane people, life after elementary school was hell for Melanie and she found it best to erect a protective carapace around her more sensitive bits, heart and mind especially. And by this, we mean that she boasts of having broken the nose of some middle school abuser in her class, though this, too, is more to the cause of her toughness than literal truth.

    She begrudges the universe that her ADD was not diagnosed and treated much sooner, as it caused her to lose what productivity she could have squeezed out of early adolescence.

    She spent her early years cycling though the theological gamut, finally settling on surrealist atheism.

    She had her scientific research used in an article that was printed in a scholarly journal before she was eighteen. Incidentally, she was given permission in college to breed a vicious, invasive crustacean with claws covered in fur as soft as a bunny. We can't be certain she didn't engineer this species retroactively to be her minions.

    Melanie attended Bard College, where she studied in environmental science. She had previously considered majoring in Japanese, philosophy, and politics, but none really stuck. She attained her Master's in this subject.

    She met Xen through a social networking/dating website, both fairly freshly out of relationships, though she insists the official story should be that they met at a coffeehouse in Woodstock over a mixed-up drink order and banter about Eddie Izzard.

    After that first date, the two fell into a quick and fond relationship, spending the very next weekend together. Despite some issues, such as Xen crashing his car and her having to leave for the summer twice, they had a strong romantic relationship until May of 2011, when she left him to suss out who she was (lesbian hermit). Until recently, she swore that she still loved him, albeit not with her genitals.

    Melanie is best friends with Jinx and regards Daniel and Amber with some fondness.

    She is no longer in contact with Xen.

      Vital Statistics

      Known Aliases: Mel, M-Dawg, Lele, Lelepants, Sweet Polly Purebred

      Birthday: July 17, 1989

      Zodiac: Cancer

      Height: 5'4"

      Eyes: You'd think brown from a distance, hazel from a quick look, but you'd be wrong. It is like a Russian forest being swallowed in the oblivion of her irises, dark green fading from brown to black.

      Hair: Russet and straight, with a copper shine in the right light. Currently, she falls under the unenviable category of "Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber"

      Spiritual Path/Religion: Surrealist Atheism

      Quotes: "Hipsters don't play RPGs, they play Mario Party."
      "Being fictional takes the sting out of atheism."
      "Some kids wanted to be astronauts. Some kids wanted to be firefighters. I wanted to be a hermit."
      "You don't put 'self-injury' as your interest on Facebook. You put it as your occupation on MySpace. There's a difference."
      "Oh, one night stands are not so bad so long as they are not with prostitutes."
      "I'm gonna rape you with my cuteness."
      "Monkeys make me mean. I love you, but I hate monkeys."
      "I love you more than Darth Vader loves Hello Kitty."
      "Death. You so tasty!"
      "You just don't take away a French person's cheese. It isn't done."
      "I will love you forever, with short naps interspersed."
      "Pestilential with kisses and full of squirming maggots full of glee."
      "That's the trouble with unbridled passion. It makes everything else so disappointing..."
      "You make me glee myself."
      "My spirit animal is Terri Schiavo."
      "If you were blind, I would learn sign language for you."
      "If I had a daughter, I would name her Midad so boys would be all, 'I took Midad to the movies. We macked it.' If I had twins, it would be Midad and Urmom. They'd have to be adopted from Malaysia."
      "All badasses are cute and sweet deep down... except assholes."
      "Regret, what an odd thing! Like having squirrels arguing in the walls at night."
      "It was a chocolate cake that could be used to convert people from one religion to another."
      "I wish there were a word for incontinence in terms of having children."
      "You shouldn't want to live the best stories you ever read."
      "If we ever divorce, I want custody of you."
      "You are a magical creature, you don't need fourth grade math."
      "There are few things I find more humiliating than being unrequitedly in love, even if the other person has no idea."
      "I prefer to maintain a general level of outrage, rather than particular case-by-case outrage. Otherwise, I'd have to be medicated."
      "I find that I'm most adamant about things two to three days before realizing that I'm totally deluding myself."
      "Note to self: combine literature and breakfast, and people will like you."

      Divine Dominion Over: French, dead people

      Best advice: Stop thinking and start feeling.

      Future Profession: Dilettante (are they still hiring?), scientist, mad scientist, and time lord.

      Current Profession: Teacher's assistant, wanderer, muck sorter, mussel counter, and time lord.

      Best Quality: She may be one of the most intelligent people Xen has ever met. It will doubtless drive her to the brink of insanity, but it is hard to argue that she is a bright one.

      Weakness(es): Time, Claritin, her mother's disapproval, board games that are not Candyland, loud sounds, bars, people who don't impress her, people who disappoint her expectations for them, overthinking, tests, ginger snaps (added to throw off her arch-nemises).

      Superpower: Self-image.

      Similar to: Chuck from Pushing Daisies, Anais Nin, Eliot Reid on Scrubs, Brenda Chenowith from Six Feet Under


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