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    The origin myth of the Cabbage Patch Doll states that the dolls were born of Cruciferae that had been inseminated (because, really, what else shall we call it?) with crystals by the Dr. Moreau crossbreeds "bunnybees." This is not to imply that this occurred with Amber, exchanging the cabbage for an acorn, the crystals with clay, and the bunnybees with something that is not an abomination to the sight of all that is holy. It's just an interesting fact. Yes, Amber could quite possibly fit inside an acorn (which are Nature's TARDISes) and seems to have a curious artistic fascination with their caps that could only suggest, to the trained mind, a primordial urge to return to the womb (cupule), but this is pure supposition.

    In college, she was very fond of lolita. Not the gorgeous novel or young women (thank heavens), but the fluffy dresses popularized by Japanese girls. She has since migrated to wearing whatever will protect her from the sun and stinging insects while she cleans up the gardens of the rich.

    She claims, with all evident sincerity, that she considered herself an alien dog while in fifth and sixth grade. She was purple and was named - yes, really - Woof Woof. She says the gender of Woof Woof did not matter, since Woof Woof was an alien and no one cares about the gender identity of aliens (at least in middle school). The American film industry vociferously disagrees, since they need to know if the girl aliens have titties.

    She attended a liberal, private school until high school, which she credits for her passionate literacy (that Xen in no way exploited to rapidly acculturate her, ala Henry Higgins... no matter how much the clay reference above reminds him of Pygmalion). Then, she was shunted off to a not-terrible public school. She began her college career studying criminal justice - hopefully to lawyer criminals into submission rather than lead sting operations on the vice squad - before switching to art under the inventive reasoning that she knew she could succeed at the former and had no real idea if she could at the latter. As she now designs cosplay costumes, paints cups, shapes masks, and makes pretty acorn art rather than being shot at, we will call this a win.

    She is proficient in the use of a bow and arrow and fire staff which, apparently, is a thing. She can ride a unicycle and assures us that the laws for their usage differ from that for bicycles. She credits most of these skills to summers at circus camp, but that can't possibly be a real thing.

    Amber first arrived in the story when Xen, irritated with both dating and Pagans, saw her at a peace drumming held by a local Pagan shop owner. As he had previously looked at all public pictures of her on Facebook because he liked her name and he is creepy, he spoke to her in brief. Days later, he flirted her into agreeing to come to a swing dance with him, even though he tried everything he could to find sufficient fault in her (proving he was crushing hard). From the moment he took her hand to dance, he was rather doomed to fall for her. Soon after, he confessed love for her. His family seems to tolerate-to-adore her. In December of 2011, they moved in together. Her estranged father gave his consent for him to marry her. At her insistence, he proposed and they married in 2014.

    Everyone who has met her seems to like her, which Xen finds unnerving. Given their mutual geekery and social anxiety, Daniel and Amber get on especially well.

    She was one-third of the podcast Q's in a Pod.

      Vital Statistics

      Known Aliases: Amber, Amberlynn, Little Bit, Kohaku, Ember, Spamber, Ambrosia, Itty Bitty, Pants, Dymitri One, Ten-Ten, Monkey, Monkeyface, Wigglepuppy

      Birthday: July 28, 1988

      Zodiac: Leo

      Height: 5'1" and don't think she does not cling to that inch. She is just short enough to have to lean forward on her toes to kiss Xen properly, which he finds charming.

      Eyes: Remarkably blue, like ice cores of sea water from twenty million years ago

      Hair: Four inches of sunbleached brown, three inches of bleach-bleached blonde. She threatens to bleach it all or cut it all off once a month.

      Spiritual Path/Religion: Eclectic Pagan

      Quotes: "Things that create victims are bad."
      "You know what's good with everything? Breakfast pie."
      "Did you know you can saw your hair? Because you can. ...I didn't lose too much."
      "I suppose it wouldn't be a four letter name if you called yourself Tom4 and the 4 was silent."
      "Pizzly bears come from interracial bear marriages. Very liberal bears."
      "I can't read them. My vagina is illiterate."
      [On Pop Rocks] "I prefer my sugar not to be jumpy."
      "I wonder if mummies taste good. Because salted fish does."
      "So, if our neighbors are having loud sex, do we call the police or wait until they finish and then take revenge?"
      [On her thinness] "I strive to be an XKCD character."
      "I feed off the hopes and dreams of children."
      "Good girls have threeways... with God."
      "They look so sad, but they have cake."
      "I'm not a sinner! I'm sinsual."
      "If I ever end up pregnant and I write Facebook statuses that make the baby sound like food, tell me not to."

      Divine Dominion Over: Oak trees, killer bunnies

      Best advice: "You should marry me."

      Future Profession: Artist, farmer, vet tech

      Current Profession: Student and garden maintenence worker (seasonally)

      Best Quality: Genuine sweetness

      Weakness(es): Bashfulness, not being kissed, social situations, making decisions

      Similar to: Luna Lovegood, Tara Maclay, Gir


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