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Have Thomm Write for You

Would you like to commission Thomm Quackenbush to write for your publication?
This can be arranged.

What do you need in order to write for my publication?

  1. You must be a legitmate print or digital publication
  2. You must credit me by name (spelled correctly! No "Thom Quakenbush.")
  3. You must pay me

How much money do you want?
It must fold. Beyond that, it is negotiable.

But I don't have money yet. Once I have money, we can talk about paying you.
Once you offer to pay me, we can talk about me writing for you.

But I can provide you great exposure.
No, you probably can't if you cannot afford to pay your writers.

Can I pay you per click?
No, that won't work for me. I do not write clickbait. You'll never guess the nine reasons why! (The third one will SHOCK you! Doctors are furious at my secret!)
Pay me upfront.

Can you write my term paper? I can pay you!
This is academically dishonest. Also, that wouldn't be credited to me, so I won't do it.

Will you ghostwrite a book for me?
Probably not, because it wouldn't be credited to me.
But, you know, pitch me. If I think I could do it quickly and the pay sounds right, we can have that conversation.

May I commission you to write a book that would be attributed to you and will give you an advance?
Yes, do this thing.

I mean, I obviously know what you write and what subjects would be a good match, but with what nonfiction would be wisest to approach you? (Also, on what subject can you conduct panels at libraries, cafes, and conventions?)

Otherwise, pitch me and I will let you know.

I would like to pay you an advance to reprint all the books in the Night's Dream series.
Are you an angel?

I would like to pay to republish one of your essays.
Yes, these are celestial choirs.

I would like to turn something you wrote into a movie or comic.
God was kind to send you to me.

I have a topic that is not remotely your wheelhouse, but I need someone to write it and you are technically someone.
Pitch me and I'll give you my honest evaluation. Like Sherlock Holmes, I know quite a lot about a few things and am grossly ignorant about far more. (Or, in the words of Humbert Humbert, "I am sufficiently proud of my knowing something to be modest about my not knowing all.")
If I think it will require more research than is worth either of our time or that I am not the best person for the job, I will pass.
Also -- and it does have to be said -- I am not the right person to write about the gay, Unificationist, black experience in rural Appalachia; I will not steal that gig from someone who has lived it.

I have read your work. I understand both your tone and the subjects with which you are proficient. I am fully prepared to pay you a fee that is somewhere between competitive and generous. I am acting as a representative of a publication that is read by a number of people that is greater than the staff of a mid-sized McDonald's. How may I reach you?

Here.

Why aren't you giving me specific prices?
I will figure this out on a case-by-case basis. I have sold articles for $100 that took me 45 minutes to write. I have worked for free copies for a friend's project in which I believed.
I do understand my worth.

Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. He has published four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings.