Why are wiccans fat?
They aren't. It is simply a religion like any other, boasting all manner of people. Correlation is not causation.
You aren't going to let me off with that answer, are you? You are stuck on the stereotype of the fat Wiccan because you've met enough people who typify said stereotype. Fine, I'll explain but I am doing this under duress. Consider this an oathbound secret that I am revealing just to you. For you Wiccans out there, I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about that circle member you really hate. Yeah, she's a bitch, reeking of Wal-Mart brand patchouli and eating all the altar cakes. No one likes her. So no angry emails, understand? You are too smart to get annoyed at a column called Enviable Fetus that responds to odd search results in a tongue-in-cheek manner, right? This isn't serious, RavenBear GoldSilverMoonShadow. Spare your outrage for the government, not satirical articles.
It's not that Wiccans are fat, necessarily. It is that some fat girls (for the most part; there are quite a few fat men) join the religion because it allows them a female role model who is morbidly obese, the Willendorf Goddess. Granted, a good fraction of them don't bother to ever do a lick of research about the figure, just happy to embrace a goddess of fertility who would be unable to walk in the real world and would suffer from severe health problems just before her imminent death. Such people ignore athletic goddesses, such as Artemis.
Also, one must consider the psychology of morbid obesity. I am not talking about your curvy girls, this does not apply to them. Trust me, we at Xenex appreciate people of all shapes and sizes, especially women that look like women. As mentioned. there exist people who turn to Wicca because they are lonely and desperate owing to their personal issues with their obesity. Thus, they turn around and claim allegiance to an alternative religion with relaxed body image values. Trust me, Wicca is all about the inclusiveness (so long as you don't mention you happen to think Jesus had a few good ideas regarding loving people, say a peep about the Left Hand Path, or point out that Wicca was stitched together almost sixty years ago by a kind of filthy minded guy). Now these people can say they are being rejected because they are witches, who have always been persecuted. Religious persecution feels a lot better than Bobby not asking you to the dance because you snort Oreos in class to try to fill a hole in your self-esteem. I can tell you that, as a Pagan boy of average weight, I did not even vague suffer socially for being open about my religion and so suspect there is a bit more when someone confesses their pariah status simply because they honor the Earth Mama. Granted, I also dressed fairly well and did not limit myself socially. You'd be amazed how unpopular a person becomes once she becomes self-righteous and starts preemptively and intentionally rejecting or "shocking" people.
Also, lots of new Wiccans think that they must always wear black, and that is very slimming. You know what else is slimming? Not snorting Oreos. If you are going to keep up being Wiccan - and I recommend it - you may want to go to more drummings and bonfire dances and fewer feasts. You really will be a much happier person and the goddess wants you to be happy.
Your body is an extension of nature. Respect your body as best you can or Artemis will shoot your hindquarters with an arrow. Don't make it an easy target.
Xen is published by Cave Drawing Ink in "Rise of the Outlanders!", is the author of "Beside the Still Water", and head writer in the forthcoming "Parallaxis". He was featured in the Summer 2010 issue of Broken City Magazine. His story "Always Darkest" published in Paragon III. The first novel of his Night's Dream Series, We Shadows is available from Double Dragon Publishing. He syndicated throughout the internet. He will write for you if you pay him.
