So I believe that two entries in as many days is no doubt a feat of major import. It either means that things are completely spiraling out of control or that in fact I've had more time to just sit, think and process. Honestly, I must admit I'm more inclined toward the former, though far be it from me to be the doomsayer.
Things are getting to a point where, as I told Thomm yesterday, I can't really comprehend things getting too much worse. Now I'm not saying this to sound like some blogging adolescent bitch fest with whining and "poor-me's." I'd like (perhaps erroneously and in a terribly self satisfied way) to think that there is more to my writing than that. But if I were to make a laundry list of all the shit that's going down, I think it would be all I could do from beginning to laugh like a maniac hyena. Really, when it comes down to it, the only other things that could possibly make this whole time suck more would be if someone else was sick or dying, if Thomm and I broke up, or if either of us lost our jobs. These are extreme events, I admit, but when really examining the circumstances of our perilous existence right now, it doesn't seem so far fetched that things really couldn't get worse. (Actually, this isn't true- things could always be worse and I'll be damned if I don't thank the gods everyday that I have the life I have. But honestly, one can't have wonderfully self satisfied rants without at least an iota of self aggrandizing pity, so lets get on with it, shall we?)
Starting at the top of the list is obviously my father and mother. Now the dynamics within relationships get very interesting when one is dying. My mom and I have gotten much closer, I've become more of my father's caretaker, and he has become the child. This is an interesting change in many ways. I don't mind being an adult and taking on those responsibilities but there are times when I want desperately to be the child again. I want to be spared all of this, seen as something to be protected instead of being the protector. I don't want to understand the dynamics of cancer, or social security, or hospice. I want someone to tuck me in and tell me that the only monsters are not in fact under my bed and that night-lights solve all issues. Still, I wish to be treated like an adult, capable of adult interests and adult interactions. I think actually that what I want is to get away, to just leave for a little while, to find some haven away from all this where there are white sand beaches and waves. Where I can come and go as I please whenever I please. Just for a week to not worry about Decadron or what food he's eating when or unusual fatigue.
Next on the list is graduate school. I feel selfish even having a list beyond my father, but life does continue despite our momentary crises. So grad school. I am absolutely irrefutably sure that I am doomed to get rejected from everywhere I apply to. I don't know why, but it feels like I am never going to get anywhere trying to get into schools. Part of the issue is that I don't think that grad schools know their ass from their elbows in terms of their admissions policies. Now, I don't mean in terms of what they are looking for in an applicant, I'm sure they know precisely what they are doing in that case, but literally within the admissions process I think they are oblivious. Losing applications, misplacing $60.00 checks, not processing test scores, or transcripts... I'm not talking about one specific place either, but all of them! Every school I've applied to has done something significantly wrong, so now I'm not even remotely convinced that I'm getting in anywhere. I'm trying hard not to take this feeling personally. I'm trying to stay optimistic but it feels like I'm going to end up in some dead end job somewhere, making $8.00 and hour for the rest of my life and I'll burn out by age 50 unable to support myself, Thomm, any kids, and I'll die without Medicare, ear deep in debt. (All of this based on grad school- how deep does my rabbit hole of paranoia go?)
So I'm continuing this entry because I think its hilarious how much things can change and it seems unfair to waste the beginning of a perfectly good entry. So here's the update, in the last month I have: Gotten into NYU, George Washington, and Columbia. I was rejected from UMass and University of Maryland. In other words, I got into all my reaches and rejected from all my safeties. I picked NYU even though I will be in debt up to my eyeballs forever. There was definitely a time when I would not have wanted to go to school where my sister was. I would have had this misguided need to do everything differently and better. In this case knowing that my sister survived the experience aids me in the idea that I too will be able to create an environment for myself. I sat in Washington Square Park and watched the various New Yorkers and tourists travel past towards whatever destiny they had chosen that day, and it felt all right because Lauren had been there, and my father had sat there at one time or another, and as Fred reminded me, so had Bob Dylan. I am so excited to begin this part of my life... It feels as if things are coming together in a wholly unexpected and beautiful way. Now if Thommy got a job as a full time teacher the world would really be going in the direction I feel it would supposed to.