Thomm Quackenbush, author

DaVinci Code - The Dark Con of Tom's Hair

Tom Hanks looks like a foot in a wig. There's something about his bloated nose and high forehead that make me wanna pull a sock over him. And pairing Tom with the lovely Audrey Tautou only makes him look all the more freakish. But who cares? We're just here to learn about the biggest cover-up in history! And watch an albino flog himself.

For a film that suggests Jesus Christ was not divine, I expected quite a lot of controversy. And lo, thus was delivered unto us in the form of albinos!

These pinkish protesters were angry about the film's primary villain running around killing priests, lacking pigment, and implying albinos are evil. Which they are. In fifth grade I was attacked by our class albino, and punched him twice in the nose to escape. There is nothing more terrifying than a bloody, pissed off albino, and it's about time Hollywood shed its holy light on these dangerous, cave-dwelling subhumans.

This was a well-suited lead for Tom Hanks since there was little acting involved and he can't act. Stuff just happens to him as he rattles off facts and appears foot-like. Audrey Tautou may be a great actress, but you certainly wouldn't know from her performance in The DaVinci Code. Nobody gets to do much of anything but break down the book in layman's terms and react to the creepy albino. Weak flashbacks attempt to move the story along but they fail. Alfred Molina is wasted as a priest hellbent on protecting a secret. Molina shone more under 75 pounds of costume as Dr. Octopus in Spiderman II than he does in The DaVinci Code. However, Sir Ian McKellen is as grandiose as ever atop crutches, spouting off about tea and history to Beauty and The Foot when they show up at his house in the middle of the night. The movie just plain sucks until Ian McKellen hobbles onscreen. And then Albino strikes.

As we've learned, albinos are stealth, even in a frumpy monk's robe. To be closer to God our wicked albino flogs himself and puts a spiky choke-collar device around his thigh. He's bleeding and blessing and running around in Obi Wan Kenobi's robe like a totally predictable villain... One that can't go in the sun. The flogging scene is supposed to be disturbing, with gore and shouting, but all I could muster was pity for Albino's neighbors! They gotta run into this freak at the mailboxes after trying to sleep through this every night?

To defeat their albino, Audrey grabs his skull and bashes it into the floor. For me, this was the most entertaining part of The DaVinci Code, but I may have just been reliving my own albino flashbacks. With Albino unconscious, the trio silently asks the question, "What would Jesus do?"

Everybody knows Jesus combats albinos with duct tape! And whether Jesus was the true Son of God or not, it remains most Christ-like to transport your albino in an albino cage! The group ends up caught in several crazy jams and bad dialogue like Audrey's line, "I don't even like history. Not much good comes from looking into the past."

A curator mutilated himself in attempts to pass clues to the living with his own smeared blood instead of calling an ambulance. Foot and Audrey find an unmarked safety deposit box key and turn up at the bank without solving the mystery. And the big payoff finally reveals that The Holy Grail is a vagina.

The DaVinci Code won't rock your world, but if you're dumb enough it may rock your faith. Despite my griping, Tom Hanks is perfect for this role because his Hollywood career parallels the repetitive nature of Dan Brown's novels. Brown's been writing the same novel over and over while Tom's been doing the same poor imitation of Jimmy Stewart. Even Ron Howard repeated himself with the problem-solving holographic imagery used in A Beautiful Mind. The whole extravaganza of big-budget mediocrity made it very clear how much Hollywood relies on controversy these days instead of talent. But the truest moral of the story is no matter how many bigwig connections you have, it's impossible to buy believable hair.
Angie is wearing a kick-ass custom-made t-shirt. Email her for details and YOU could be wearing one too!
Angela Lovell, writer extraordinaire, can kick your ass with a well placed word. Her writing can also be found at Sugarzine, Tickingboxes and WHOREscopes. She can be seen acting (occasionally wearing very little or making out with fellow hot girls) in the web series The Fold (NSFW).



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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At Double Dragon