Thomm Quackenbush, author

Street Angels

Independent films should never have titles like Street Angels. Street Angels, however, is a great name for a porn movie or a Christian documentary. Better still, Street Angels would make a beautiful title for a Christian porn movie starring Elijah Wood and Sean Astin. Unfortunately, the budget of this Street Angels was not up to that star magnitude and the result is an action cop movie of sorts with nothing resembling Christianity or porn. Hollywood is just so disappointing sometimes.

It all begins with a man named Frank, who was a good cop until the bad guys killed the wrong man, his partner. Now Frank, using his influence in the force, hires three beautiful women and together they embark on a mission of revenge, protecting the innocence of the city and creating a large enough hole in the atmosphere with their hair products to kill four generations of baby seals. In their way is a viciously evil, if not a completely random, assortment of criminals led by the man known as the Phantom. Okay, I admit, the name "Phantom" is lame, but to make up for it, he has an underling named Yes Man Sam. When Frank is captured, it's up to the Street Angels to save their trainer and make the streets save for roaming gangs of children who will likely run out in front of your car when the ice cream man refuses to stop in their neighborhood.

This movie has some problems. The whole idea of a cop hiring mercenaries is not only insane, but also completely impossible. The acting is sluggish at times, especially when the director tries to fill the scene with a horrendous love story that goes absolutely nowhere. However, the real strength of the movie is its ability to play off the ideals of the action/cop movie genre. The dialogue is a tirade of one liners and quips that will leave you wondering why the bad guys don't just shoot Frank. The dialogue is overlapped at times by the internal voice of Frank, who seems more worried about entertaining himself than escaping the predicament. Despite its independent budget, the director found himself a wonderful fight choreographer and mixed it in well with the characters, letting them feed on their own strengths as actors, rather than forcing fighting styles upon them. The result is a tight collection of fights which lead the viewer wondering why we have not seen the big budget remake of the film.

A hundred times better than Revenge Quest, Street Angels is a quality -- if not completely misguided -- movie. Wonderfully portrayed on an acting level, it does everything right in a horrible genre with the exception of forcing the audience to accept certain truths that are in no way grounded in any realm of sanity. Still, the ride is an exceptional one as the director learned the first rule of filmmaking: Never take yourself too seriously.

Things you should look out for:

  1. The actors in the movie discuss the title of the movie. Frank actually makes a better suggestion "Kung Fu Sluts." Now that is a title and a great name for a punk band or a hamburger. I have no idea what is going on.
  2. A cookie for whoever came up with the name Yes Man Sam. You, sir or madam, deserve an Oscar.
  3. They have a running joke involving swallowing gum. I think it is a reference to some kind of cult, like Scientology.

Your moment of Insanity:

I told you to stay at home. Now we've talked about this you can't come in the trunk all the time. I thought therapy was the answer. You don't listen to me. You don't communicate.

Action/Bad Ass Cop Movies Are Usually Crap, These Are Pretty Bad Too:

  1. Lethal Weapon (Pick One)
  2. Beverly Hills Cop (Umm Pick One)
  3. 48 hours (Ditto)


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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At Double Dragon