Thomm Quackenbush, author

St. John's Wort

This is for that young movie producer sitting at his desk, searching the internet for the next great movie idea. Now, it may seem tempting to visit one of the many fan sites based off the latest Grand Theft Auto or Everquest video games and write a script from that product. Heed this warning. The film will likely suck. On paper, it looks like a great idea, and you will have an audience. Keep it mind, however, this audience never leaves their houses and the last time I checked, The Sims have yet to create the "Going to the Movies" expansion.

After inheriting a mansion from her dead father, Nami decides it would make an excellent location for her latest video game. Unfortunately, this house comes with its own ghoulish secrets. It seems her deceased father was a world renowned Gothic artist. He loved puppies, rainbows, and storing the dead bodies of missing children in his house. It also appears that Nami had a twin brother. He's quite upset that their father died before finishing his latest masterpiece. How upset, you ask? Well, upset enough to drive knives into his eyes as Nami finishes the piece while the building burns down around her. In other words, he was pissed.

The film is shot primary with handheld video recorders and security cameras. Therefore, through the majority of the film, the viewer is left with a feeling of motion sickness as they try to absorb the dialogue. It looks like on giant acid trip, complete with popped colors and various dialogue screens fans of role playing games will appreciate. Anyone else will wonder why this film exists, and for good reason. The actors are nothing spectacular and the dark hallways and mysterious bodies were scary… in 1948. Give me something new now.

The film borrows from so many films that it could easily turn into one of those DVD movie games. Still, it retains some promise, but is so poorly executed that most viewers will turn from it.

Your Translated Moment of Insanity:

Give me a gum. Gum! What's the matter? Were you born in a barn?

You Should Look Out For:

  1. If some madman attacks you and then apparently hangs himself, for God's sake poke the body with a stick or something.
  2. Never choose the dark house over the rain soaked night. Chances are, if something odd is going to happen, it'll happen in the house. I'll take the cold instead, thank you very much.
  3. Nami's father was a complete slob. Never mind the dead bodies and stuff, look at his bathroom.
  4. Let's take a shower right after almost being crushed. Hell, it's a haunted house, what could go wrong?
  5. Everything is fine. I only died during the alternate ending.

Did You Know:

St. John's Wort is based off a Playstation game that apparently doesn't exist or is so obscure that the internet coven has yet to happen upon it. Any help in establishing the crappiness of the game is appreciated and welcome.

A Stevehenish Tagline:

Artists are completely insane all over the world.

Silly Director, Hold the Camera with Both Hands

  1. The Blair Witch Project
  2. Lost in Translation
  3. Coffee and Cigarettes


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

The Night's Dream Series

We Shadows by Thomm Quackenbush

Danse Macabre by Thomm Quackenbush

Artificial Gods by Thomm Quackenbush