Thomm Quackenbush, author

Flight to Danger

Every movie has its defining moment meant to capture the audience. Flight to Danger chose a naked long haired man strumming a guitar over his crotch. I threw up a little just now, which for me is a fine flashback to the actual movie itself. Imagine yourself in a wooden box suspended above one the thing you fear most in the world. Okay, do you have it? Now smack yourself in the face with a brick. That does not make a whole lot of sense does it? Welcome to my world. This movie makes Revenge Quest look like the Lord of the Freaking Rings. It is an insult to both movie goers and humanity as a whole. One day, when the world explodes, this movie will somehow miraculously survive and spread across the universe creating a void of lightless horror in its wake. Children will awake on Pluto and scream in the night because this movie is in existence. It is just a piece of crap. I am so pissed off.

What happens when five women go on a flight of danger? Remarkably very little happens. Well, first the trainer of these girls has them pick up a package from Paris France with this big martial arts tournament is taking place. The next thing they know a criminal organization is after them and the girls must learn that their strength in self defense is stronger then any gun wielded by a professional killer. The bad guys of course lose, because guns are no match for kung fu wielded by commercial actresses. In the end, we are left with the sun dyed perms of the cast discussing what they are going to do with five million dollars. "That's a lot of zeroes." Shut up. God why won't you die, just die already.

If you mix the choreographed diarrhea of Jet Li, with overdubbing done by people with a slow reaction time, and add in possibly the worst soundtrack ever conceived on a Casio; then you too can make Flight to Danger. The question is not if you can make it but should you make Flight to Danger. The answer is no. First, the fighting is bad. How bad, let us just say that the staff Xenex would have no problem beating not only the cast up, but also all three people who have seen this movie. The dubbing is also bad. If you took Jackie Chan and had him dub a Disney movie having him do all the voices, the results would resemble this film. Since everybody has a Casio keyboard, the musical coordinator of the film decided to fill every scene with a chase or even walking with the tinkling of the electric ivories. The results are fight scenes done to the musical styling of an overactive six year old high on crack.

A bad film with no direction, no budget, horrid acting, and this is a stretch, but I can guarantee the food provided to the actors was bad. It probably was a form of rotting cheese and gravy. Anyway, I have to go and build a spaceship so that I can shoot myself into the sun and burn the horrid memory of this movie from my mind. God is dead. Orwell is dead and I am sure at this point, I would admit to killing them, if only the pain would stop.

Things you should look out for:

  1. Naked singing guy looks both ways, before pulling out of a narrow alley. That is stupid no matter how you justify it.
  2. Never say, "What else could possibly happen to me," because you will be shot, but girls will want to sleep with you. Women love dead guys.
  3. One of the minor characters in the movie is an abstract assembler artist, which pretty much sums up the plot in a horribly ironic way.

Your Moment of Insanity:

You look like a bunch of fucking cartoon characters. Shut the fuck up. I want tough guys. I want bad guys. I want wise guys. What I end up with are three fucking stooges over here. (This coming from the hybrid test tube child of Wayne Newton and Johnny Cash)

Did You Know:

You can buy this movie in the Kill or Be Killed collection, which means for six bucks you can share my pain and you get a copy of Revenge Quest. If that does not make you run out and get it, then nothing will.

What Movies Are Better? Are You Kidding?

Grab yourself a dart board or random name generator and let Kismet pick a movie, anything you get afterwards would be a superior work. The worst movie ever created, may God have mercy on us all, because this movie does not.

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


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