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The Crow: Salvation

Yes, your honor, I have something to say in my defense. We live in a country of rules and, expectedly, when these rules are broken, the perpetrator must be prepared to deal with the consequences. That said, this whole proceeding has conducted with the utmost professionalism. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, over the last three months you have seen a barrage of witnesses and experts parade to the stand to proclaim my guilt. Their arguments and supposed evidence meant to persuade you towards the guilty verdict. However, as I proposed in my opening argument, everyone who has conspired against me is on crack. The records are vast, include napkin confessions and word from the high Elf of the living room couch. In short, I am freaking insane and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Locking me away for the rest of my life will only cause the anger to grow and fester into revenge. As requested, I have already taken the liberty of finding out where each of you live and I hope that little nugget of information is enough to secure my release. I am filling with the love of Christ, Amen.

Love makes you do crazy things sometimes, like stab your girlfriend to death with a hunting knife. Or does it? I smell a conspiracy or maybe it's coffee, either way. All Alex Corvis wanted to do was make sweet monkey love. Who doesn't? When his woman turns up dead, Alex is the victim of a railroad trial and put to death. Enter the crow, which has a nasty habit of bringing back the dead. As Alex mows through the witness list at his trial, he discovers the truth about who really killed his girlfriend. It seems the police in their spare time run a little fetish internet club. Now, Alex must put this club down and all the while look fabulous at the same time.

Eric Mabius, there's so much to say, so little time. We'll come back to him. Kristen Dunst, in all her troll-like beauty, proves that, if given a movie based off a comic book, she is more then willing to drive it face first into the ground. It's not her fault, because the movie is missing a key element: good writing. The characters are transparently one-dimensional with the majority of the cast obviously friends with the director. Eric Mabius proves that it's possible to star in cool films without any measurable acting talents. As a craftsman, he's managed to single-handedly bring back the stare of ignorance as he spends the majority of the film gagging on his own tongue. The film is just bad. Just horribly bad, give me a moment here.

It's just bad. Please don't buy this film. Pretty please, with sugar on top.

Your Moment of Insanity:

You're nothing Corvis, less then nothing. You can't do this to me you little fuck. You hear me. You understand, I'll be back, just like you a big fucking shit spewing bird and guess what little bitch I'm taking out first.

You Should Look Out For:

  1. Unlike the previous two Crows, who were into high quality fetish make-up, this Crow has the imprint of his execution mask burned onto his face. Chalk one up for both originality and stupidity.
  2. Fred Ward is the worst selection for a villain in the series, but wait it gets better. Dennis Hopper plays a villain in the sequel they're shooting now. I'm going to see it, who wants to come with me?
  3. As the movies progress, the music for the series descends further and further into incoherency. At this rate, the next movie will feature music from the Insane Clown Posse and The Black Keys.
  4. Every flashback that occurs in the movie ends with what looks like Eric Mabius' facial expression after being kicked in the groin.
  5. The headstone of Alex's woman cries blood. The rest of us are left crying for blood. .

Did You Know:

This movie went straight to video. Yep, it was that bad. It's still better than City of Angels though.

Magical DVD extra:

The film comes with a documentary about the crow who stars in all three films. This is what we call filler.

A Stevehenish Tagline:

You will believe in the power of four dollars.

Movies About Guys In Makeup

  1. Tommy
  2. Killjoy
  3. Black Mask

Words Thrown Together in Hopes of Pulling in Random Google Users

"Brandon Lee Rolling Over in His Grave"

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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