Thomm Quackenbush, author

Batman: The Movie

Riddle me this. What travels at the speed of light and stops only to drink from the severed head of the golden water sparrow? That's a tough one. Here's a hint. Cheese and crackers are an excellent treat on the second Sunday of the month of June, but only on the second. You have to know it by now. What are you, completely retarded? Shut up, moron. Look at yourself. It's not as if I'm asking anything difficult here. It's a simple piece of trivia. My nephew would have no trouble with it, but I guess you're no match for a seven-year-old. It's rhubarb, stupid. Why are you allowed to breed?

Before there was money in marketing superhero movies, there was Batman. No, I'm not talking about Tim Burton's A Nightmare in Gotham. This is the cool one. Four super villains have combined their might to test both the physical will and mental capacity of the Batman. Their goal is to conquer the world. Their weapon of choice in this grandiose scheme is a dehydration gun. Well, if you turn all the leaders of the world into Tang and then force the children to sprinkle their remains in every coffee shop on the East Coast, that's an original idea. Not a very good one, but I digress. The Batman along with his Boy Wonder sidekick defeats the villains and saves the world. Chalk one up to role playing fetish people everywhere.

It's theater of the absurd. It's wacky. It's fun. Okay, I admit the idea of a vigilante working for a city is not exactly the sanest concept. Your job as a viewer is to disregard this nugget of information and accept it. Deal with it, loser. The cast reads as a who's who in character actors with each villain slowly chipping away at the Batman with their specialized talents. The Riddler riddles. The Joker jokes. Catwoman has sex with cats. It's charming. What motivates the Batman in his pursuit of crime is never explained in the film and, frankly, the story works better because of this lack. It's a lighthearted romp through the inner fabrics of drug addiction. Two crack pipes up for this picture.

Easily attainable in the low rent district of your local entertainment store, I highly recommend this piece for what it accomplished. It's fun. You like fun, don't you?

Your Moment of Insanity:

I see the way to do it. We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand and we'll do it right here. (I say this every time I make love....to myself.)

You Should Look Out For:

  1. You can buy pre-atomic submarines from the US Government. Who wants to chip in and buy one with me? You people are so cheap. Fine, jerks.
  2. The United World Security Counsel is a group of nine people who speak completely different languages. No wonder they never get anything done. On a side note, who invited Nigeria?
  3. At one point, the villains use rockets as a getaway vehicle. How do they land? They land very carefully. Get it. You have no sense of humor.
  4. When your heart breaks, Russian opera plays in your mind as you stare off into the distance. Here's a tip for Batman's villains: When he zones off, kick him in the groin, and then make a run for it.
  5. Climbing out the window of the United World building is not conspicuous. You should try it naked, ah yes there's the rub.

Did You Know:

Once, my sister and I were discussing possible future villains for the current Batman movies. She suggested King Tut. I slapped her for that.

A Stevehenish Tagline:

They didn't have guns back in the 1960's, but they had acid.

Campy Movies Are Cool

  1. Wet Hot American Summer
  2. Clue
  3. Big Trouble in Little China


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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On B&N
At Double Dragon