As the High Priestess of Peace, a title I chose when I got ordained as a minister online (of COURSE I take it seriously... the internet doesn't lie) I try to preach to anyone who reads this column that hatred is just excess baggage (can we pretend for the purposes of this article that I did not steal that line from "American History X?")
As of now, you all walk away after reading my column and hug your worst enemy. I hope the following does not change your opinion of me, but rather makes you understand that as a human being, I am also subject to this vile emotion of h8red (hatred to the lay person).
Now, I want to make it clear that I do not hate people simply because they are not intelligent. I feel that we are all usually smart in different ways. Some are more street smart or book smart. Some, like me, teeter somewhere in the middle. Others, like my brother, will know a ridiculous amount about bridges and the death penalty, and will kick your ass in chess.
Michele is my manager at work. Michele does not seem to excel in anything except bullshit. Know that lawyer joke (how can you tell if a lawyer is lying...he is moving his lips)? Yeah, SO appropriate here. If she didn't pretend that she has her motorcycle license, that Sammy Davis, Jr. gave her private tap dancing lessons, that she went to B.U. at the age of 12, that she had a perfect 1600 on her SAT's, and other countless, ridiculous lies, I would have less of a problem with accepting her for who she is.
So you are probably asking yourselves, "Why, Angela, as a supposed lover of all mankind, are you going to let a stupid girl ruin your otherwise positive aura?" Here is the answer: Jesus Christ she is horrible! She is so dumb and annoying that she should be put to sleep before she causes damages to herself and to others! Up until recently, I would have been satisfied merely appreciating her ridiculous comments by adding them to the Michele Dictionary. Then the intervention happened.
My General Manager was the mediator. Yes, folks, I had to sit there for 20 minutes while Michele, apparently holding back tears, brought incidents up that happened more than 6 months ago, and exaggerating them, blowing them completely out of proportion, and in some cases, flat-out making things up. The whole time, I was so tempted to call her on the millions of lies that came out of her mouth over the past year. Maybe even let her know that her boyfriends and friends also make fun of her behind her back (often with me), and acknowledge that she is dumb as a box of rocks, boring, and the world's worst bullshitter.
I held everything back though. I don't claim maturity (those who know me will agree). I think that calling her on her lies, which I had never done before, would have almost made me lose my edge over her. She doesn't know that I know, and I think she might be stupid enough not to know that any of her friends know either!
Immediately afterwards, I secretly planned to bring every future incident to my GM's attention: mistakes that she makes, customer complaints, hell I'd even give out the main office number to any customer that hinted that her customer service was less than phenomenal.
But alas, I have realized something. In my weakness and tendency toward that ugly h8red, I got carried away. Wouldn't it be so much better not to have to put all that effort into sabotaging someone who doesn't even deserve a second thought? Wouldn't I be much happier letting it all go? Go ahead, besmirch my reputation. I won't be h8n. We all know the truth. I give you all, the Michele Dictionary. Enjoy, don't h8 though!
Kelm (pronounced "kehlm") wood: a blend of all different kinds of wood to make a very strong wood (not to be confused with kiln-dried hardwood that most people think our sofa frames are made out of)
Inter-coral spring mattress: a mattress that has inter-corals (not to be confused with inner-coil spring that only has coils)
M.I.S.: Missing in Action, acronym
did you know?
Michele actually finds time on the weekends to do meals on wheels and teach kids sign language?...at 5am.
frist sale a ass: when a salesperson is the first one to make an error (I copied and pasted this from an actual email from her. Putting it in context does not help either, trust me.)
Due: just so you know, the whole world is misspelling the word "do."
Tardy: on time
Dychrome: (pronounced "dy-krom") the material that most pillows are stuffed with (NOT to be confused with polydacron)
Frisco: Visco-elastic, the type of material memory foam is made from.
some of my favorite emails:
Cust is looking for the contempo has a sgrc and also the nirvanisgrc. I"m not able to find it on the desk (disc**) please can you tell me the price. The only thing that I did find was the contempo has a rocker recl. please advise
we had to cxdl del on 12-21 because cust house was not done yet and I schedule it for the 1-4 its not cdl and in the warhouse please del furt for the 1-4 I have a # 96736 it in the warhouse. Was not able to receive the del log computer was down and I look up all the orders
Cust cxdl because we are way over the time quote and the p.c would not be in until 2-12. we did take 10% FROM THEM. Cust mastercard was lost please send a check for the amount of 1000.00 due not refund her card See below for the address
Please we need to pick up furt mrs c is so upset that we do buss this way and woud like all her money. Its been a problem at first with her and she at this point is calling to yell at me and tell me that she will have the news at the store today. So mush that I can do by saying im sorry please advise with a pick up and cxdl the pk
I deposit the amount of 20.00 on 12-12 must of missed counted the money will advise to angela when she come back by vact.
thanks for the pic. the cust would like a p.c in fabric too are we able to get a p.c in fabric and on the disk it has a lf or rt chair with arm. also dimensions or can the cust due a lf or rt chaise
On del date cust was not home but the doorman excepted her del. On the del operations solution sheet is very long and the doorman did witnessed that it did not fit in the stairs and the elevator. Cust came home from work and agreed but feels that it would after her and the doorman took measurement. Its in her basement and would like to driver to come back out to bring it up to her app. That is on the 5th floor because she said that it will fit. Can we send out diff driver to her home to bring the furt to her app.please advice
I remember that the cust did want to cxdl her table a few day after she order it. we need to remove the table and the night before del cust told me again that she did not wont the table.at this point she change del and will be del her furt on 1-25 I told angela the frist time the cust would like to cxld and she would looking at the wall unit that went will it but it was to much money.please email merch to remove the table
I spoke with angela and she told me that the cust was to call her sat about the table and never spoke to her about changing the del date the del. All was set up to go out on the 1-18.when the cust call me last night she said that would still like to date for the 1-25. I do believe angela. Must have been a misunderstand sorry
Please due to no access because of a tree fallen in the way to reach the cust home please redel the cust on 1-22 that?s a Sunday please advise that we can addon for del for Sunday the 1-22
Angela is an artist in the truest sense of the word, though particularly artful when it comes to telling you how lame you are for writing hate mail.