Thomm Quackenbush, author

Paul Anka

I know what you're thinking. Where do I get the nerve to put Paul Anka on this list? So you got me, originally this spot belonged to the musical might of Perry Como. Unfortunately, Perry Como is dead and thus the crown of elder musician/possible vampire falls to the runner up. You've never heard a single song, you've never attempted to witness his glory in concert, hell, chances are you have no idea where you are right now. Rest assured dear reader, Paul Anka is here and will be here for the rest of time, or until someone mercifully slams a wooden peg into his heart.

Sure, he started his life as a crazy Canadian, importing his blend of feel good music into the American mainstream. In 1980, he decided to take the bag of money he secretly horded away all those years and make his pseudo-American citizenship official. Gone were the free health centers and liberal viewpoints, now it was all about being an American. Well, bless him. The 1980's were a highpoint in the American landscape. We had an actor as a president, a simmering cold war and terrorists made their living with our tax dollars. I can't help but notice the irony of it all.

To appreciate the man one must first look at one of his chart topping revolutionary songs. Bob Dylan has nothing on Paul Anka. Go ahead, read the lyrics and keep telling yourself that you have a semblance of musical talent. You, of course, are wrong in this assumption and while we're on the subject, a five inch penis is not average.

You are my destiny
You share my reverie
You are my happiness
That's what you are

You have my sweet caress
You share my loneliness
You are my dream come true
That's what you are

Heaven and heaven alone
Can take your love from me
'Cause I'd be a fool
To ever leave you dear
And a fool I'd never be

You are my destiny
You share my reverie
You're more than life to me
That's what you are

You are my destiny
You share my reverie
You are my happiness
That's what you are

Doesn't that song just make you want to beat your children? Well, it should. That's the American thing to do after all and that's why Paul Anka's here. His music leads to domestic violence and I'll continue to say so until I see some kind of medical survey saying otherwise. While you're at it, show me that study that shows that second hand smoke is bad for you. You fascist bastards, let me smoke.

Great Words From Great Americans
"The thing is to be able to outlast the trends."

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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