Are you out of shape? Did you know the majority of Americans are morbidly obese? Eighty percent of Americans have hemorrhoids. I bet you didn't know that. Here's some great news. You don't have to be fat. I mean, you could be like me, completely insane. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. Lying like the little whores they are. People don't seem to understand things, the voice in my head is smarter than the voice in your head. Do you know how I stay in shape? Everyday starts with three cups of coffee. The resulting seizure-induced coma puts me under just enough time in order for my body to begin eating itself. I'm a pony. I'm a freaking pony. Perhaps another method of weight loss would be the right one for you.
Tony Little was just your average American kid preparing to compete for the title of Mr. America, or as it's alternately known, "Mr. How Small Can My Package Get". Anyway, one night while driving, he was blind-sided by a school bus. Yep, somehow he managed not to see a large yellow vehicle barreling down towards him. The resulting crash dummy test led to numerous broken bones within Mr. Little and threatened to end his career. Still, despite his injuries, he managed to compete for the Mr. America crown and came in fifth. Granted, there were only three people competing and the fourth place winner was a couch, but that's a story for another time. Reeling from the injuries, Tony packed on sixty pounds of loveliness and fell into a deep depression, a depression that lead to an addiction of pain killers. Sick of himself, Tony turned on the television to see various celebrities with their quick fix weight loss programs. Tony Little's heart grew three times that day with a pure and unholy rage. He decided to invent a machine that not only worked the body but also made the user look like a completely insane psychopath.
The money flowed in, the machine worked, and Tony Little grew a little nuttier each day. In 1996, Tony got into another car accident that raises the question, why is Tony Little allowed to drive? Anyway, this accident crushed Tony's face, making him even cooler than before. In the search for more money, Tony returned to hawking his various work out equipment and is likely swimming in his money vault as we speak.
Meanwhile, back in the Bat Cave, Tony Little bounces about, hyped on God knows what, telling you how unhappy you are with yourself. The cure is one of the machines he makes and, if you loved yourself, you'd get thinner. Chances are people already like you the way you are now and will continue to like you regardless. That's just me though.
Great Words From Great Americans
"You can DO IT!"
Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.