Thomm Quackenbush, author

Flying Spaghetti Monster

All hail the prophet Bobby Henderson, for without his divine connection with Him, we would remain adrift in the cosmos. Like the Sheppard that guards the flock from falling to the wolves, Bobby Henderson has led us in the right direction, showing us the light. Nay, the world is ripe with disbelievers, heretics that would mock our God with their science. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is science, you fool! In the beginning, the Flying Spaghetti Monster created a mountain; this pleased Him so he created a tree. Seeing that the world empty. He created the midget, whose sole purpose was to run about for His amusement. The world was good. Ramen.

Modern sciences, in their attempt to defile our God, dismiss His goodness, choosing to raise their false God of evolution. Those simple-minded blasphemer fools. He controls evolution with his thoughts alone. His invisible noodly appendage winds its way into our everyday lives, controlling everything from the cosmos to our daily interactions. Friends and enemies manifest though His whim and thus the world, nay the universe, is His amusement. Ramen.

Some other established faiths mock the donning of the pirate garb. Ignorant children, it is a fact that at the height of pirate involvement in our world, storms were at an all time low. Now without our peg leg holy men and women, He has smote the earth in climate tragedy. In these trying times, when science itself is answerless, only one creation will allow us our continuous existence. The world needs more pirates. We must turn to our children, for they are the ones who must continue to don the patch of sight and the hat of skull. They must carry out our legacy. Perhaps through the new generation, He will forgive us. Perhaps he will, if it is his will. Ramen.

Much to my disappointment, the scriptures offered by the great Bobby Henderson are incomplete. Through my personal studies, I have found twelve new books of testament from our glorious Flying Spaghetti Monster. Shocked at my discovery, I feel the only course of action is to excommunicate those who do not share in the full belief of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Thus, we begin the second Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster of Latter Day Saints. As your spiritual advisor, I call for a return to the pirate garb for us all. The time has come for those who follow this being of noodly goodness to rise against the establishment. Tell of our God in your classrooms, Kansas; spread the story of His divine design. Cast aside the teachings of mortals and accept the truth, before it is too late.

All praise upon the Flying Spaghetti Monster, now with the sauce of wrath. Ramen.

Great Words From Great Flying Spaghetti Monsters
"..." He, of course, does not speak, for it would crush our minds from the inside. Praise to Him. Ramen.

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.


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