Thomm Quackenbush, author

Chuck Norris

Holy crap, it's Walker Texas Ranger. You know, he's that guy from the television show. Yeah, I never remember it being on either. I think it had lock-on ratings for the 3am to 4am east coast market. It was eight glorious seasons of plot-less wandering. This constant struggle to write and perform in some idiotic Kung Fu rip-off does something to a man and Chuck Norris decided to hang up his acting chops. The real crime is the fact that this show went on for eight years and no one put an end to it. My theory: television producers forgot the show existed. Eight seasons on the air allowed Chuck Norris to claim himself as an actor. Yeah, I know, reading off-screen cue cards isn't acting, but try not to tell him that. He's an 8th degree black belt and has an undefeated record in competition. Granted, he quit when he was undefeated but ignore that; you might want to consider staying on his good side. Otherwise, a boot to the head may be in your future.

You know Chuck Norris from his various movie roles and horrifically low budget television series. He also happens to be a New York Times best selling author, a member of the Make-a-Wish Foundation, inducted in the Texas Rangers Hall of Fame and founded the Kick-Start program that teaches martial arts to troubled youth. Possibly the greatest achievement of his career is kicking the butt of the Devil. Seriously, Chuck Norris -- who made a career of violence -- is all about the Jesus. This might seem a contradiction to some, but there's a difference. Chuck Norris only inspires using violence in others. See, it's all okay now. It's like showing a child how to build a rocket car and then blaming him for running it through the side of his school.

Speaking of destroying the educational system, Chuck Norris is all about taking Jesus out of the church and bringing him into school where he belongs. Sure that pesky Constitution -- written by a bunch of God lovers -- prevents it, but what did they know? Look at the numbers, people. Followers of Jesus commit no crimes and never do anything wrong. What's the problem with bringing in a little prayer every now and then? Our educational system should embrace the idea allowing all sorts of religious thoughts into the classroom. Satan placed dinosaur bones in order to confuse us into thinking evolution was real. I support this completely.

Sidekicks is still the crappiest film I ever saw and it inspired me to keep my asthma, thank you very much. Now go break the boards and prove how cool you are. Keep in mind though; boards don't hit back, Chevy trucks on the other hand hurt like hell.

Great Words From Great Americans
"Violence is my last option."

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.


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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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