It can also be streamed on Google Play Music.
Early in our friendship, Daniel asked me what message I had for him. In his experience, new people joined his life to give him some pseudo-cryptic information, the closest I believe he came to religion or a belief in predestination. Once they said it, I assume they became less valuable to him and he had more of an excuse to fade away.
Then, I told him that I knew of no message I had for him. I just liked being around him. I wondered then if that was an antidote to his leaving, my inability to give him some sort of missing puzzle piece.
Now, when his leaving has ceased to be my future but my past, I feel an obligation to find a message for him from our collected time together. I will address him directly, though I know from his statements and experience that he does not read things I write about him. He does not, after all, trust writers and is write not to. We remember what we can and assemble what we cannot, just so long as the story still holds together. Still, it would be disingenuous not to put this out in the ether.See the rest.
Daniel pauses by the door, getting on his coat. "As much as I am capable of it, I will miss you."
From most people, this declaration would be weak tea. From our reptilian Daniel, this was borderline effusive emotion. He told us then that it might be a year before he made it up here again, but he would "For the food... and the hang-outs."
"Kest can always drop you off with us to babysit," I said.
"Yeah," added Amber, "and we’ll chain you up in the studio so you can never leave us again."See the rest.
This is for me, to, I hope, look at when I feel the tendrils of anxiety mounting. If you are not me and get something from it, that's great. If you want to convince me I am wrong, trust that I have already thought it through enough to cause chronic physical discomfort and save your breath.
Also, in editing this, I realized that I was prescribed too large a dose of a medicine that makes me anxious and obsessive. Once I detoxed a bit, once I got through withdrawal, none of this seems quite so dire (though still extant). If I am feeling catastrophic about this, I should make sure I am properly medicated, not sick, not hungry, not sleepless to allow my rationality some chance to break through.See the rest.
In the interest of privacy and safety, I will not include names where unneeded or contemporary. Instead, it is a chronological list, mostly of pronouns. Girlfriends, though they served effectively as best friends, are likewise excised for obvious reasons. In addition, when sexuality beyond a few initial kisses entered the picture, those friendships always bore the weight.
There were many overlaps in these friendships. It is my privilege that I could gather two or three of these people together and watch them interact during sleepover parties or nights wandering town. Never in my young life had I felt so excited for the future, so in tune with what I believed the world could be. I wish that I had more pictures, more to remember them by and share now. They largely existed in a specific time and place. Like most species - aside from the invasive - they could not thrive outside their context, chronological and social rather than geographic (though geography often played a role in the endangerment and extinction).See the rest.
Maybe it is not my duty, but I did it anyway because I am not certain he would on his own and I like to interfere where there might be stories. I want him to have no regrets when New York ceases to be his home again.
I asked if Daniel was available at any point over the weekend and he gave me a probability that he could do something after work on Saturday. Kest returned to New York to help him pack and move another load of his possession to Maryland or, more likely, she never left from the last time we saw them. Her schedule has different restrictions than most people, fixed around shows at which she will be selling her masks rather than a boss breathing down her neck about vacation days. She can linger in his apartment for a week without anyone much noticing her absence from her world.
Daniel comes to our door a little before nine in the morning that we could get to Mass MoCA when it opens. Despite stopping for sandwiches, we arrive at the museum fifteen minutes before it opens.
Amber and I dozed in the back seat. Where usually there would be Cannibal Corpse, Die Antwoord, or an episode of Harmontown coming from the speakers, today there was only silence. Before nodding off, I asked Kest what sort of music she likes - she will be taking Daniel away in less than a month and I still know so little about her. She answered that she likes circus music and this seemed obvious.
Before Daniel picked us up, I told Amber that I've felt this urge to discover and describe their flaws. She astutely fingered this as the anger stage of grief.See the rest.
I may not be remembering the facts right, but I know how the night felt.
"I need to tell you something," said Daniel. Kest and he had been over under an hour, during which I stuffed them with fried swai and we watched videos about intentionally deficient robots. It felt so normal, though I knew Kest wanted tonight to end in sledding instead of recording a podcast.See the rest.
Wandering by others through a snowstorm, there is a feeling that, no matter what brought us to this moment, we are here together. In all likelihood, they were drawn into the cold and wet with a similar stripe of insanity.
Given the weather and my proclivities for my free time on this winter day, I saw that my typical workout gear would not suffice. I searched my closet for my sturdiest pair of boots - my mother has, in recent years, given me three pairs with increasing utility because anything worth doing is worth doing three times. As I put the best and still newest on, I noticed that there was a lot already in the right one.See the rest.
Hell is within my head. It is not your Hell, though I sympathize if you can boast a personal Hell. Given my relatively privileged life, I cannot imagine experiencing three of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - War, Famine, Pestilence - but my depression and anxiety cycling faster is the closest I come to knowing suffering.
Hell infrequently flares, but it is always present. When I check on it like a child with a wiggling tooth, it notices me in return. I try never to meet its gaze for then I remember its heat.See the rest.
Since this idea of farming for a new friendship has become my current hobby - at least until I get distracted and lose interest - I have sought to go about this in the most logical way I can.
To find a new friend, I must plumb in the locations known best to me. I must understand who I am so that I can find either a complementary or similar person.
This pretty nearly precludes a Craigslist ad, as funny as that was to imagine, since I am not presently trolling Craigslist for any reason and don't know I would have much in common with someone who did for anything but secondhand pets or used cars ("For Rent: Two Friends, Gently Used"). More than likely, my people are not Craigslist people. .See the rest.