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12.20.00 2:25 a.m.

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."


  -Buddha 


Created on 3/20/01 from a letter written to Jen C.
Kate left me two months ago because she felt she was "a lone wolf." My reminding her that lone wolves aren't in two year long committed relationships and that I was fairly sure wolves mate for life didn't help.
I'm trying to take all of this well, but when she is just around me, she acts like my Kate again. When she is around anyone else and me, she acts distant and self-destructive. As my father put it, she evidently thinks she is a college freshman free for the first time. It doesn't help that people keep saying, "Well, she's going on a road trip and going to London over break. I'm sure when she gets back she'll want you again." I can't think those thoughts if I am going to continue. But I am trying to be strong about all of this and completely get over the idea that she'll want me back. I'm very much TRYING to be strong, but it waxes and wanes on a near hourly basis. Which certainly isn't healthy after two months.
There is just a profound lack of the sort of wonderful people that could make me ease my pain. In my mind, she is near the only person I have been that compatible with in a long while. I nicely asked the universe to prove me wrong, it has failed to oblige. I tried the dating thing, I realized how much I hated it and it brought me no joy. So I am certainly happier alone than I would be dating people who I can't love because they are too screwed-up, too flighty, too stupid, too illiterate, too dispassionate, too trashy, too slutty, et al. But I honestly give people a chance before deciding that I feel nothing for them, it's not a comparison thing.
I tried to do magick, just to be a better little witch. The magick was nice, but the little amulet I made last night stopped working sometime this morning, and I feel weaker than ever (It was partially to strengthen my resolve to not want to be with Kate, partially to attract wonderful people to me so I could be in pleasant company). At least I tried. A friend is going to teach me Reiki sometime over break, which I feel will be a good step forward in my evolution. Plus then I can zap people. I think it is definitely something I need to learn though, I was just previously to involved to actually learn.
I did see the bit on witches that ABC showed. I was actually seen from the back once, which didn't much bother me. What did is that my minor brother was shown clearly twice when everyone at the ritual was promised by the person running it that no faces would be shown. My mother was considering suing her and/or the station, but I think she lost interest. Had the segment been better, had it not featured several obviously unbalanced people on both sides, I wouldn't have cared that he was shown. They all but called up baby-eating Devil-worshipers.
I guess we all have a lot of issues.


reading: my palm.
listening: Sarah
wanting: to be a knight instead of a pawn
interesting thought: That a romantic would fear love so much.

Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. Double Dragon publishes four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, and Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings. He likes when you comment.



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