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10.23.00 2:50 a.m.

"The higher one climbs on the spiritual ladder, the more he will grant others their own freedom and give less interference to another's state of consciousness."

  -Paul Twitchell 

NOTE: This entry was created on 3/17/01 from a letter written to Conor.
Here is new information which I have obtained straight from the Kate. She does truly love and care for me and knows that her friends have been saying jerky things to me, unbidden. Basically, how she feels about me as a person has not changed. I asked her if she didn't feel "it" for me. She responded, and I quote, "I do not NOT feel it for you. Both nots are intended." In her head, she needs space from the binds of a relationship. Not so that she can get wild and party. She told me that she does not wish to drink beer and if she wanted to be with a guy, she would not have left me. And, after an explanation on my part that I did not wish to be with anyone else and I was perfectly happy being single and still fawning on her, she pretty much has no problem with my behaving toward her, verbally and emotionally, as I always have.
I worry that, when I see her, I shall weep and beg her lips. For the moment, I am honestly very good. Today someone asked me how I was and I replied without thinking, "Drinking deep the cup of life." That's how I feel. Kate is not with me, yet the world is still shockingly beautiful and I enjoy my life. Which isn't to say that I do not want her back and would not cross mountains just to hold her next to me all night. I am very happy with myself and it does give me pleasure to be filled with love for someone who loves me back, even if I cannot be with her at the moment. I expect you understand all of this.

reading: the cereal box
listening: the cereal withinwanting: A bigger cup
interesting thought: it never empties, my cup will always be the right size.

Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. Double Dragon publishes four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, and Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings. He likes when you comment.

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