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09.28.00 12:01 p.m.

"I know you don't have any idea what I'm talking about. It's okay. You will."

 -"Lester Burham" 

Created on 3/21/01 from a letter written to Kate.
I miss Kate. I love her more and more as the days go on. But with it, I become sad when we are not together.
Today, I experienced a unique and somewhat new sensation. I became greatly nostalgic for certain people and experiences. I felt overwhelmed by the beauty of and my love for Sarah and Conor and Stevehen. But most of all Kate. Thoughts of her were honestly exhilarating. I'm not being poetic, this is really how I felt. I was telling Melissa on-line that I thought I was dying, I was so overwhelmed with the beauty of those who fill me with light. I kept thinking how much I loved being with Kate on her vacation, how great the memories of Canada are for me, and how I felt such a lack that she were not a part of my Lake George memories this year. My brain tried to paste her in to ease my sadness, but to no avail.
I want to share more such defining experiences with her. I get almost envious and frustrated with those who share so many new experiences with her, so many adventures that I can't.
Well, I am tired and probably depressing you, so I will go to sleep now. I hope she remembers as much as she can the life we have shared and cherish those adventures and sights we have yet to experience.
"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it, right? And this bag was like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." "But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst." "I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."

reading: The Mark of Zorro, American Beauty
listening: the crinkle of a plastic bagwanting: To share the rest of my life with Kate
interesting thought: I am more in love right now with both Kate and the world than I have ever been in my entire life.

Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. Double Dragon publishes four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, and Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings. He likes when you comment.

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