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12.27.99 12:59 p.m.

"The best of friends and the greatest of lovers argue. That doesn’t mean they don't or can't love."


  -Richard Grzywinski 


Created on 7/19/01 from a letter written to Kate.
It was really nice to hear from Kate today. Definitely a welcome surprise after not hearing her voice for a few days, as she has been visiting her brother over break. And she sounded so utterly cute!!!!
Obviously, I have still not seen Tina yet. I swear that girl is trying to avoid me. Which, honestly, I wouldn't so much mind, except that she has Kate’s tape for me, which is terribly precious. Especially right now!
I really miss her very much. It is not an all-consuming lack of her. It is just the awareness that she is very, very far away. I love her very much. I was watching the movie "American Pie" and it actually made me miss her more, which is sad on numerous levels. Kind of hard to explain. There was just a lot of love in the movie. Along with Willow screaming, "Say my name, bitch!" Not a terribly great flick. It reminded me a bit of those eighties T&A movies. Which was basically every movie in the eighties. Not a good decade for American cinema. Or, when you think about it, America. Reaganomics and such. Except that Kate and I were born. Or simply brought forth into existence.
I went to the mall and returned my second copy of the Vonnegut book. The salesgirl seemed impressed by the fact that I unwrapped it in front of her. It proved that it was an unwanted gift quite nicely. So, fumbling, CT (that is what is written on my sales slip, and since I am going to be speaking about her, I feel she should have a name other than "the salesgirl") filled out the form and gave it to me. I walk around the store, looked for Terry Pratchett (author of the Discworld Series) book. Finding none, I went after Richard Bach books (I also noted that Stephen King's pen name is Richard Bachman and wondered if it was just a coincidence). I found only Illusions, in the occult section. I, as a librarian, thought that this was an interesting place to file him away. Well, finally, I accidentally stumbled upon The Acid House, by Irvine Welsh (author of Trainspotting). I felt this was a good enough book, so I went up to the register and handed CT my slip. She fumbled around more, and finally processed the sale. Unfortunately, she did it all wrong. She kept apologizing, I kept telling her that I didn't mind (I really didn't, it was an interesting situation to be a part of. Good literary fodder). Finally, she got the sale right, handed me back my book and a new sales slip. Apologizing once more, she explained that she was just getting over a cold and was getting her lunch break soon. I told her that that was very good, and some food and a bit of medicine from CVS would make her feel a lot better. Only after I was in some heavily perfumed collectibles store across the way did it occur to me that CT was asking me to go to lunch with her. And I had must have seemed like a bit of a jerk to blow her off like that. Not that I wouldn't have told her "no way." I simply would have told her in a nicer way, trying to make sure that she knew it wasn't a personal rejection, simply that I was divinely in love with an earthbound goddess. I know I would have felt rather low if I were in her shoes, given the way I behaved. But, I suppose it is just one of those daily things that ultimately go by unnoticed. I certainly hope so.
When I was in the collectibles I saw a bit of a trinket for Kate, so I picked it up. It's just a bauble, really, but I am sure she will like it. I know that she was feeling awkward in the gift department, though I informed she several times how little I truly care if she gets me a gift at all.
While I was at the mall, I also got a nice pair of black jeans. I felt I really needed a pair, and I had a gift certificate. Black is a good color on me.
I wish I had done more today. I wanted to, obviously. No one would hang out with me today. Well, no one I wanted to go through an ordeal to see. Plus, I was thinking, while I enjoy Zoey's company, I don't really know his intentions toward me. And I really do not feel like being lusted after. Only loved.
I am the first one to genuinely love Kate and, honestly, I think she is the first person who has genuinely loved me. I mean, I don't think Coley loved me. She worshipped me. But that is not love. Not the way love it supposed to be. She saw me as something I wasn't. Now, I don't know what she sees. Even though she is so far from the person who once seemed to be the Virgin Goddess to me. I did not worship her. I feel that should be stated because the sentence makes it seem like I did. I'm sure you understand and will ask further if you don't. I believe that I will send this now, as in it reaching gargantuan proportions (if the Gargantuans could write. They couldn't.)


reading: Vonnegut
listening: pages flippingwanting: Kate to return right this very moment.
interesting thought: Distance makes the heart grow fonder to a point, then comes forgetfulness.

Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. Double Dragon publishes four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, and Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings. He likes when you comment.



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