Not pillowy

At the core of rhetoric, what can one say about pillows?

These free samples of Thrasio Beckham Hotel Collection Pillows arrived from BzzAgent in too small a box without further instructions. With some of these review products, the company provides a glossy pamphlet suggesting a direction for my analysis. Use this sauce on rice for a nice kick. Drink this on a sweltering day to make the most of the carbonation. If this lands on your bare skin, flush with cool (not cold!) running water for no less than fifteen minutes. You know the sort.

However, these are pillows. If flummoxed by their use, I would be too far gone for my review to have any validity. No one wants a reviewer who needs Remedial Sleeping.

Once removed from the box but still in their plastic bag, the pillows have a maggoty consistency. [Editor's note: do not equate the free product to Brundlefly larvae.]

I pull off the plastic, drop the pillow onto my bed, and step back. A few years ago, I purchased one of those box mattresses that suck all the air from the room to inflate. I assumed this pillow would operate by similar mechanics.

It did not.

It puffed a little in the fresh air but remained primarily flat. I rested my head on it, lacking confidence that it wouldn't suck the breath from my lungs when its inflation triggered.

I was not suffocated, but it was not relaxing. I tried to fluff it to little avail. Well, I thought, perhaps if I nap on it?

I've had more productive naps in my years.

My usual setup is a dense pillow topped with contoured foam. These perfectly support my head, an impossibility with this pancake. I don't see how it can compete in an economy of choice, at least without some maple syrup.

It espouses having gel fiber within, which may be true. I am not an expert in this field. I considered cutting one open to see what it looked like - why else would BzzAgent send two? - but decided against it. I did my best to suss it out through the cotton. The filling felt like what spiders would weave out of shoe insoles. I assume this is a compliment or at least several steps up from associating this quality product with a giant maggot.

"You should wash the pillows before using them," said my wife.

And eradicate that new pillow scent? (They have none.) Lose all of what makes the spider pancake a superior pillow to sleeping on a sack full of dead mice? What could she know of the subtle art of breaking in a new pillow?

She washed them over my protests. The pillows fluffed up enormously into twin marshmallow clouds. How could these possibly be the same items?

Pillowy

I lay my head on one - so voluminous it was a struggle to fit in a pillowcase - and my head was engulfed by coziness. Wash your new pillows. And unlocks their true potential.

(NB: How massive these pillows became temporarily disabled a washing machine. It was like those dinosaur gel capsules you stick in hot water. Was it worth almost breaking the machine? Possibly.)

I am a side sleeper and used to having my head well cradled. I tried sleeping with one, but I couldn't get comfortable enough to drift off. (It's not you, pillow. It's me.) I am sure I could get used to these pillows, but I will keep them for company and winning pillow fights.