He, She, Me, and It

The chemistry was instantaneous. They were the People I had been looking for; I just never knew that I would find it in two People instead of One. The first week was fantastic, I was happier than I can ever remember. We all fit together so well and filled certain needs within our little triad.

Week two was different. It had started becoming involved: my Illness. Normally It just makes me depressed and lonely but what I had with Him and Her was no match for It so It took on a different role, morphing into something I hadn't dealt with before. It came out as paranoia, hallucinations, commands, and fear. Still I was far too enamored to pay It much attention. Unfortunately, It had a new ally, a new medication that just didn't work correctly with my brain chemicals, together with this knew catalyst, It started to take over.

Week three was scary and there are parts I hardly remember. I still know that She was still making me happy and giving me my passion of being a caretaker of sorts and He was still providing me with the care that I had never gotten before. It was still a perfect arrangement and even though it had not yet been a month, I was happy and content and was dreaming of a future. It wouldn't have that.

It started one night, I had taken my night time meds and I had also had a drink or possibly a few, maybe even a few hits off the pipe, I can't even remember, which makes sense as It was in control now. She was upset and all I did was sit and listen in silence while he tried to calm her. On some level I knew that I should step in, I was very good at calming her down and showing her how loved she was by the both of us. But I didn't, It sat in silence until She wore herself out enough to go to bed.

The next morning She left to go deal with what had upset her so badly the night before and it was just He and I. It made me aware that I had lost my role of caretaker last night and convinced me that I was now worthless to Her. If I was worthless to Her, She would want to get rid of me at some point and He would have to choose between the two. Of course He will choose Her It told me, really what did I have to offer, better to end it now before it hurts too much later. It was cunning because on some levels this made sense. Triads rarely work and if I could convince Him that my feelings for the two of them were unequal then I could be free before it hurt too bad, or so It told me. So I convinced Him of what I had just been convinced of myself. It hurt Him but it was for the best, as it would hurt us all much worse when it happened later, which of course, it would, or so It told me.

I left, or maybe It was the one that made the grand departure, Him standing in the street, tears streaming down his face as It simply drove away, eyes dry, even a weak smile on Its face for reasons I will never understand, possibly triumph, maybe just happy to have gained control. In Its celebration It lost Its grip and I called Him to try and take it all back in a moment of lucidity, I was no fortune teller I tried to explained, who knew what would happen in the future, we need to continue to try. He was busy with a visitor and still audibly upset, He said He would speak to me later but added that everything It said was completely logical. Hope was still slightly alive.

That night It was dormant again and I was able to speak to Her. We had a good conversation and I was feeling positive that this minor moment of fear could be overlooked. I hadn't given It credit for Its actions yet. She and He had yet to speak about the events though; She didn't know how badly It had hurt Him.

The next day She called and said it was all over. It and I blended at that moment, we became We. None of my decisions, actions, words, calls, letters, texts, IMs were my own any longer; they belonged to both of Us. We were afraid, I don't think It had considered what would happen if It gained this much power.

The last time We remember feeling safe was with Them so We reached out too bluntly and harshly to try and gain Them and the safety They provided back again. We shifted from needy to nasty to uncaring to suicidal to overly dramatic in moments. They were afraid; They could not deal with this hybrid creature that made little to no sense most of the time. The moments of clarity that this creature had were probably the scariest, though I will never know; They had enough and cut Us out entirely and successfully.

Soon enough It and I separated again and shortly after It went back into hibernation. For how long, who knows? I hope forever but It has forever flawed my idea of hope. He and She still exist in a place where I can no longer touch Them and reach out to explain that it was not me, it was It. It's probably better that way; I love Them too much to risk letting It ever touch Them again.