Goats: The Screenplay
Everything is dark. The camera sees nothing.
I like goats...
EXT. FARM - DAY
C/O actor's face, camera pans out to a medium shot. You can see the actor is outside, but you don't know where. He has a small, stuffed goat (Goat Doll), which he is absent-mindedly petting.
I think that I would very much like to have a goat. I would treat it as I would my own child. No, scratch that. I would treat my pet goat better than I would my child. Because, I think goats smell better. Even if the male goats do piss in their beards. Goats are fairly intelligent animals. Or is that pigs? I forget.
EXT. DUTCHESS COMMUNITY COLLEGE, TRACK FIELD - DAY
The actor walks by a pile of garbage and kneels down to examine it more closely. He is very sad. He brings Goat Doll toward the garbage, like he is giving it a closer look.
Well anyway, goats must be intelligent because they are scientific enough to eat all sorts of things. Like garbage. They are like a walking recycling plant. And you just have to respect that. I know I do.
EXT. SAME
C/U stuffed goat, presumable still looking (in as much as Goat Doll can look) at the pile of trash
And goats make neat sounds. (imitating a goat) MAAAAAA!!! See, it can call for its mother, that shows intelligence.
EXT. SAME
The actor picks up Goat Doll and puts it on his lap. The he picks up a nearby leaf and puts it on Goat Doll's back.
I would make my goat a saddle and buy my goat a pet monkey.
And the monkey would ride on the goat's back. And I would give the monkey a little cowboy hat, a vest, and a diaper. A monkey diaper.
And the monkey could try to ride the goat to freedom. But I would teach my goat to eat the monkey if he tried to escape. And my goat would because he would love me.
I would teach him to stand on his hind legs and dance. And my goat and I would dance under the moon light for hours. We'd build a bonfire and dance ancient tribal dances. And I would be known to the native ants...
EXT. SAME
C/U of a single plastic ant on the pavement path.
CUT TO
EXT. SAME
same shot of actor and Goat Doll dancing.
...as Dances With Goats and they would revere my goat and I as gods, because we could bust a move. But I think we would probably squash the native ants, because they are small and black and hard to see in the dark. Plus, I don't think ants can talk.
EXT. SAME
You see actor walking toward CBI from behind. Goat Doll is on his shoulder.
FADE TO
INT. DUTCHESS HALL THEATER - TIMELESS C/U of Goat Doll, on podium in the center of the stage. There is a small, grey jacket and a strip of cloth resembling a tie. Camera pulls back as voice over continues.
And then I think my goat would run for Senate. Hey, Caligula's horse did, so can my goat. And I would put a little suit on him. And he could talk to us and teach us the ways of the goats. Running free and wild. And pissing in our beard to attract mates. Because he is my goat, and I think he could. And if anybody tried to discriminate against him, he'd bite their head off, because people are just big monkeys who wear Jncos.
INT. SAME
Camera catches actor from back right side, as he jumps up, giving a standing ovation to Goat Doll.
FADE TO
EXT. FARM - DAY
Actor is in same position as he was before. Camera is at medium shot of him from the front. Camera slowly pans left until it is showing him from the back left side. There, you see that he has been sitting on a goat pen.
And we would retire comfortably with our ants and our cowboy monkey. And he would take off the suit and put on some Jncos. And then he would piss in his beard. And I think we would laugh.
