Mortal Job Hunt Kombat

The job hunt continues. My prey, like the wooly mammoth, is extinct, but with the promise that it will one day return with the help of science. SPOOKY SCIENCE. Science that I don't understand. Like how I don't understand where all the jobs went. WHERE ARE THEY? I have actually begun looking under stones. But they are not there. Just worms. Remember Earthworm Jim? Apparently, he to is out of a job. I know. I found him under one of those rocks I was mentioning. But the Earth moves ON and so do I. As I wander the streets of the town I grew up in, I continually run into the broken and dejected men and women who use to be my high school pals. We left this town saying we were going to be somebody, we come back here as alcoholics. In the end, however, I think we all have it quite good. Many of us have moved back into out parents' houses and I spend my time between upkeep on the house and searching desperately for jobs. I've begun to see myself as a urban Indiana Jones, seeking the lost treasure of the Job for the Graduate with a Degree in English. I've heard of it only in fables and in whispers towards the back of the bar. They say that man there, he found the treasure once.

However, my unemployment has come with a serious side effect. It is effectively worse than smack. Videogames. My old console sits on the floor of my bedroom, calling me. It's seductive, it's playful, it's cheap, it's like a whore. It loves me for a few hours and then leaves me with this sense of utter wastefulness. I spend vast hours locked to my T.V. and I slowly feel the fat buildup in my body. It's simply hours before I will be an amorphous chair blob, unable to squeeze out of my front door. If only my future employers knew how good I was at MORTAL KOMBAT, they would hire me in a second. Which eventually led me to my breakthrough idea about how recent graduates should go about getting jobs. Fights to the death. In this cutthroat business world with fewer jobs then parts in an Ikea couch, what really separates me from the hundreds of other equally or more qualified graduates? The answer is nothing. So let's thin out the pool. Corporate sponsored fights would help employers decide who really had the drive to succeed in the fast-paced business world. It would reduce our overall environmental impact. It would give large amounts of patients to trainee hospitals. And I've not even mentioned merchandising these events. Stadium seating, popcorn, hello revitalized economy. But, as I wait for my invite to MORTAL JOB HUNT KOMBAT, I've decided to practice my mad skills daily because, unless I really get down how to shoot a spirit arrow, I'm not sure all make it into the second round.