Title
If Walls Could Speak...
The Good
The concept of a talking wall is one that people spew out, but never attempt to write. The problem is, giving a realistic dialogue pattern to something inanimate is a tricky pony to ride. The idea that the author went with this for her story is remarkably brave.
The Bad
The wall thinks in a pattern of a new age poet doused with gasoline and told to come up with something profound. The wall is also manic-depressed with a tendency bordering on some level where it's okay to listen to The Cure.
The Review
This type of thing would never happen in Disney's Beauty & the Beast. Firstly, music tends to lessen stress. Less stress means more feelings of happy. Happiness leads to singing, and no one will ever kill themselves in a room where the walls are performing Broadway musicals. That's a fact.
There have been many times when I've wished that I didn't have to be a silent spectator, when I've wished to leap from beyond my plaster boundaries and intervene in the events of the living, or even just be able to speak.
There are many time when I wished the walls would come to life and help me with a complicated crossword puzzle or to pet my cat when he comes crying for attention at 3:30 in the morning. Unfortunately, as it stands, walls belong to a secret sect that not only must never interfere with human events, but also must do battle with swords. Eventually they long to create a super wall that will one day enclose us all.
The music she played slowly grew darker and darker, yet somehow still retaining a lovely undertone that marked her as one of the greats. Her poetry used to be light and sweet, but then it was as if the clouds covered up the sun her muse used to bring, leaving her feeling alone and empty.
As someone who listens to a band called the Test Icicles, you can understand my reluctantly to judge the music analyzing skills of a living wall. However, if the wall says it's a good sound, then it has to be a good sound. Walls are rarely ever wrong. I can't believe I just wrote that.
This tragedy will haunt me, and all others who pass through me, from now until the day that I am torn down and thrown into a dump in tiny, unrecognizable pieces.
Wait, forget the music, there are people who pass through the walls of this house. That's just plan weird and quite frightening. Talking walls, suicides, and phantoms walking through walls, passing their emotions into whatever they come in physical contact with, that's your story right there. Give me a thousand words on this subject and get it to me by Friday. We're going to make tons of money on this, Krystyn Poe, enough to buy those two "I's" that those people stole from you.
Such is the curse of the inanimate object.
I want bad things to happen to this wall. I want a madman who skins his victims alive to enter the room and use it for his satanic rituals. This wall needs to toughen up if he hopes on enslaving humanity.
Your Moment of Insanity
The horrified looks and screaming cries may physically be gone, but their expressions and tears will stain me always, like the blood she left on my walls.
Your Musical Moment Provided By Weird Al
Mary Jane, don't you cry, you can give it a try, again when the sequel comes round.
Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.
If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.
