Xenology

Don't you have anything better to do than writing about your life and friends?
No. I honestly don't have anything better to do. In turn, I must ask whether you have anything better to do than ask me if I have anything better to do? You don't? Well, that's cool. I'm going to just ignore you, then. Is that okay?

How are you?
I update Xenology nearly every week, and I generally go into great detail as to my state of being there. However, if I individually answer twenty seven e-mails from strangers in countries I can barely pronounce, inquiring as to how I am, I have less time to write the entries and work on the site. So, have patience and check the site Monday.

I don't like what you said about me. Take it down.
That's not a question, nor am I going to take my entry down to spare your feelings. What I said is my opinion of the events I witnessed or of which I was told. Thus, this is not fact and I do not pretend it is. If you do not want me to describe you as a slut, keep your pants on. If you don't what to be seen as a jerk, stop flicking lit matches at kittens. If you set yourself up as a public figure, get used to people discussing you. It's very easy.

Why do you write Xenology?
I'm an egomaniac.

No, really, why do you?
After having a hard time dealing with a particularly confusing break-up, I began sending generic letters about it to a few concerned parties every few days so I could get advice and they could stay up-to-date with my state of mind. I didn't always get advice, but my friends were eager for the next installment. It evolved from there.

But I don't know you and I read them.
I'm glad, I hope you enjoy them.

Why do you use aliases for certain people?
Firstly, I am a twentysomething with a shaky, at best, grasp on the legal system. But I am well away what libel is. Secondly, I don't particularly want some people to know I am talking about them. Thirdly, giving some people's names can influence the outcome, should a nosy third party feel the need to point them to my site.

Won't they eventually figure it out?
Maybe. I'm comfortable with that risk.

Okay, about the whole UFO, witchcraft, ghost, psychic thing... are you serious?
Yes, I am serious. Weird stuff happens. Often to those around me.

But my guardian angel told me there aren't any monsters under my bed.
They have to be somewhere. Your bed is so cozy. The monsters are likely in cahoots with your guardian angel.

"Cahoots" is a funny word.
Yes, it certainly is.

In Bed With M

I took M's advice and my penis fell off/soul mate left me/a rabbi spit at me. Who do I sue?
Your parents for neglecting to teach you common sense and personal responsibility. Go read the disclaimer at the bottom of every answer. If you have trouble understanding some of the words, has your physician check for a possible learning disability.

Ask Zack

I took Zack's advice...
You did what?! Zack's column is for entertainment only. That is obvious. Besides, he ceased writing for this site years ago, so your pain is outdated.

City Mouse

Where does Kate live in the city?
Second star on your right, straight on until Chinatown.

Talk to Angels

I can't look at the forums anymore. Why?
You are banned.

Banned? Why?
Did you act like a flaming idiot? Did you attack people? Did you try to hack the forums? That is why you are banned.

You deleted my post! That infringes on my free speech! I told the ACLU to sue you.
What a sad, stupid world you live in. You do, indeed, have the right to free speech (until the Patriot Act II). However, you do not have the right to have your idiotic opinion drawing bandwidth from my site. Feel free to start a geocities website complaining about this policy. You will have proven my point in doing so.

Links

Can I link your site to mine?
As long as you are not creating an illegal or immoral site, sure. Just let me know you are linking me and give me the URL of your page so I can see it.

Will you link to my site?
If I enjoy it or you, definitely.

The Cast of Characters

I'm serious! How?
Erm. Basically, be important enough in my life that I feel the need to mention you in Xenology repeatedly or have me fall in love with you (which pretty much means I consider you very important). Or, you know, show up briefly in a memorable way.

I'm your friend, why won't you make a page about me?
If you really, really, REALLY think you warrant having your story told by me, plead your case nicely. If I still don't make a page about you, do not complain. Pages take a while to make.

Enviable Fetus

Silly questions I get and you shouldn't ask

It's been a week. When do I get another column?
This may shock you, but the columnists here actually do have classes, work, and something that occasionally resembles a social life (which all make it interesting to actually read Xenology.) If you want to know when the latest entry goes up, you should sign up for the mailing list.

There's a mailing list?
Yes. There's a mailing list, like I just said.

How do I sign up for it?
See the link that says "Mailing List" on the left? Click it. Or, if you are feeling enterprising, click here.

How do I get off the mailing list?
Go to the page as described above. Enter your email address, click "Unsubscribe," and hit the "Submit" button. Or, since you are so very lazy, click here.

Can I have your phone number/address/shoe size/worn underwear?
No. I actually do value my privacy a little.

Will you date me/marry me/shag me?
If you feel the need to propose these things through Xenex, no.

Why not?
Because.

Can I have [insert name of consort/friend/enemy here]'s phone number or screen name?
No. I value their privacy more than I do my own. Find real people to ask for phone numbers or go on-line and seek out cyber friends.

What does "sic" mean?
It is Latin for "so" or "thus." As the Oxford dictionary says, "The word sic is placed in brackets after a word that appears odd or erroneous to show that the word is quoted exactly as it stands in the original."

Why do you talk like that?
I'm fond of books. Lots of books. It's a good thing.