Thomm Quackenbush, author

Silk Soy Milk

I have a confession for you, my loyal readers. I am lactose intolerant. I know, I know, there is such shame attached to the mere idea. Such shame and gastro-intestinal discomfort. I've tried to keep it a secret from friends and loved ones. "Sure, I'd love another slice of double cheese pizza," I'd say or swallow the glass of chocolate milk they'd lovingly made for me to cheer me up, knowing it would result in feeling unpleasant for the duration of the night. I tried the pills, but they were costly and inconvenient. Much like a teenager resists carrying condoms on a date for fear of seeming too "easy," I wouldn't have my pills with me because I didn't know when the devil Lactose would be forcing his great white way down my throat… yeah, let's not extend this metaphor.

I'd learned how to deal with lactose over the course of about a year in my twenties. I could handle the occasional slice of pizza or ice cream cone, but straight milk was strictly forbidden if I wanted to be civil company for the next five hours or be able to venture far from a building with reliable sanitation. By this point, you are likely disgusted with my over sharing. Imagine how friends, family, and coworkers felt until I finally accepted that I couldn't have milk in my morning cereal.

Then, I discovered Silk soy milk. I know, technically it isn't milk by virtue that soybeans do not have tiny udders, but soy juice doesn't sound like something you want to put on your Cheerios, now does it? Silk does not taste just like milk, it tastes much better. I quickly because addicted to their Light Vanilla Soy on my cinnamon cereal. It was like having candy for breakfast, yet somehow a lot healthier than milk. It even made the granola cereal Emily bought taste amazing. Soy milk also lets me ignore the origin of cow milk, which really is unsavory if you give your brain a few minutes to mull it over. (Don't try, ice cream is too yummy to focus on PeTA pamphlets.)

BzzAgent selected me for their Silk campaign and I was thrilled, since I was already a big proponent of the product. Granted, I restricted myself to their Light Vanilla Soy as my cereal drowner of choice, but I was willing to experiment. I used my two coupons for free half gallons, one of plain Silk (because you just can't cook alfredo sauce with vanilla flavored milk, trust me) and one for Light Chocolate Silk.

I tried a cup of the latter as soon as I got home. It was creamy, but a little thin, like putting chocolate syrup in skim milk. I passed the cup to Melanie, who swished it in her mouth and pronounced it passably tasty and a decent dessert beverage but did not seem especially interested. I left it at this for a few days, until I felt a craving and reached for the Light Chocolate Silk.

"Melanie?"

"Yeah?" she said from the living room. She'd spent the last week of her spring break living in my apartment and relaxing.

"Did you drink almost the rest of the chocolate Silk in the last thirty hours?"

"Yup. It is very tasty and you have nothing else sweet in your apartment." This was not true. I had sweet shop chocolate and granola bars, but the Silk was apparently more desirable.

I pour a small glass of the remainder. "So, I guess the Light Chocolate Silk is an acceptable drink and I should keep this in stock?"

She nodded emphatically, another convert to the Silk religion.

Later in bed, we joke that the Light Chocolate Silk would be the ideal post-coital snack - it is sweet and light, but satisfying - but imagine this would not be the sort of advertizing campaign that would fly in Middle America.

Incidentally, the Light Plain Silk I bought was fine in cereal, at least as good as skim milk, but it did make a surprisingly good alfredo sauce. Okay, I grant that it was "add your own milk" kind of alfredo sauce from a package, but Light Silk stood up to the challenge of my bad cooking.

Despite the fact that I am carnivorous enough to annoy vegans, I greatly appreciate the stand Silk takes for the environment. They clearly realize that one of their core markets is environmentally conscious vegetarians who drive hybrids. Let's call them "hippies," for the sake of succinctness. Silk is, without a doubt, the best brand of soy milk I've ever had (forsaking 8th Continent and WestSoy) and they need to keep their customers happy with their purchases. As such, they offset 100% of their energy usage.

My only complaint with Silk is the lack of product diversity. Given how delicious their soy milk is, I can only imagine how amazing a cone of Mint Chip Silk Cream would be.


Xen reviews goods and services in order either to receive free goods and services or to get money with which to procure goods and services on his own. Despite this, he intends to be honest and not write something that sounds like warmed over ad copy.
Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. Double Dragon publishes four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, and Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings.


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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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