I am in pain. Not physically, that would almost be easier, as I am familiar with my body in all its states. No, I am in pain because one whom I love is hurting and while she lays with healing all around, I am upset over that which is minute, that which is personal and not constructive, concerned with my own minor upset and feelings of being overlooked, all of which contrast to that which I hold the most dear.
One does not require credit for one's compassions. It is the very act of compassion that allows us to do the act or live the life. There can be no attachment to compassion as it is, by definition impossible to give people what they need while you yourself are attached to that need, or to their outcome.
So why am I spouting this? I have had to exert myself and all my compassion in the last 72 hours. I have had to take action and had to love and care, and stand where I was most needed. I needed nothing more for myself than the knowledge that I did what I needed to do for myself to feel as though I had acted. I did not need to involve others, as I knew information would be passed without my trying. I did not have the ability to contact the world to let them know of my status, or of my actions, or of others as I knew that they would be included by those other than myself. I did what I usually do, which was to assume that my presence did not matter to any but those immediately affected.
Now, alas, I find that for all my meditations I still feel slighted when others are acknowledged in my stead. I feel guilt about this, and understand then that new meditations must take place in order to not need others acknowledgment. This is a shortcoming that needs more time. I do not begrudge or feel competition, or really even need it to change, but I know now that I have more work to do, I have a new level to strive for. I have more growing within me.
I hurt because one I love is hurting, this is all that matters. She, right now, is all that matters.