I accidentally got deleted from Myspace, through no fault of my own, so here I am again. I still don't completely get blogging, though I'm beginning to see it as a way of communicating with people when I don't really have the guts to tell them how I'm really feeling. It seems that we are creating a space with blogging. It's space in which we can be anonymously honest and well known at the same time. This is an interesting feat of media that allows us freedom to show ourselves but allows us to hide behind the fašade of a multimedia computer screen at the same time.
Mostly I write when I'm upset about something, when I'm feeling depressed or lonely. It's interesting and baffling to me that someone would post/blog about things in their life that are good or exciting, because I figure that, if things were good, then I could just call someone up and tell them. Writing seems so much more personal to me and therefore something to be done only when the emotion attached to it is one you have to sit in and be uncomfortable with. I know that most people see it that way.
When my partner writes, he does so to tell a story, to show his life through the lens of the observer, it helps to figure out his place within the world and within it all. Be it what he did last weekend or the emotion you feel that split second that your lips part from the lips of one who you love. He writes to see himself more clearly. He never apologizes for what he writes even when others disagree. He knows that he owns that part of his space and therefore owes it to no one else. I envy this. If I write, it is because something is so hard that I know of no other way of sharing it. If I write, it is only because I'm too ashamed, or scared of the tears that come with the emotions. I am not so open as he, who can write unabashedly about his loneliness or his discomfort. I write because, even if someone replies in kind, I can always delete the response. My partner writes because he feels connected and wishes to connect with others. I write because I feel so separate and I wish to only connect in a way in which I dictate the terms.
There is someone in my life right now with whom I am upset. They don't realise it or, if they do, they are making to moves towards fixing the situation. I could confront them, I could call or stop by or email but instead I'm here on MySpace, the most sterile emotional environment I know. Waiting for them to maybe notice I'm gone from their life. Maybe notice that while they may think nothing of the silence between us, it speaks volumes to me.
It's funny, I said earlier that I write because I want to hide from connection. This is not the case in fact. Its not my wish to hide, its that I want someone to come and find me. To mention that perhaps they missed me, and that someone besides my partner thinks of me during the day. I write when I feel most alone, most invalid, I write when I have no proof of myself and when everyone else moves from room to room without wondering where I fell behind.