Thomm Quackenbush, author

I Will Not Kill Them On A Train, I Will Not Slay Snakes On A Plane, I Will Not Beat Them, Sam-I-Am, From Now On I'll Fly Pan Am!

Every now and then a film comes crashing down on us, carried on just the wave of its buzz. Often, however, we exit a sold-out theater feeling deceived after the hype. I, personally, haven't been excited about a big-budget release in a long time, feeling that Hollywood is laughing at all of us. But thanks to the simple fun of Snakes On A Plane we, the audience, finally have the last laugh - and that's just how the filmmakers want it.

Starring the Ultimate Mac Daddy, Snakes On A Plane showcases Samuel L. Jackson doing what he does best - fuckin' shit up while delivering dumbass lines with winner's conviction! The film opens on Red-Bull-drinking-gone-awry that leads to witnessing a murder. Our would-be-hero-witness is scooped up and protected from these generic bad guys by the expected gallantry of Sammy J. who uses the cliché, "If you want to live, do what I say."

This line continues to ring cheesiliciously true throughout the film, especially after they board the (dun, dun, DUN...) PLANE!

Like the appropriate title, Snakes On A Plane gives its predictable all: unattended children (who could've been cuter), precious honeymooners, an adorable little purse dog (whose fate is all too clear from the beginning), and a lovely Hispanic mother with her baby. Seems like a normal flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles - no big whoop. Except that it's Julianna Margulies' last flight EVER as a stewardess! Girl went to law school and got EDUCATED! Now shit is gonna hit the fan! Especially with all those snakes hidden in cargo that were injected with amphetamines! And as an added measure, the bad guys sprayed the flower leis the passengers receive while boarding with snake-stimulating pheromones! Where's Samuel L. Jackson when you need him?! Riding in First Class.

"You know all those security scenarios we ran? Well I'm smack in the middle of one we didn't think of." Damn straight! Nobody thought you could get SNAKES on a PLANE! Especially the critics! The producers of Snakes had no pre-screenings, knowing the critics would bash it for the fun-loving B title it wants to be, though its actors are hardly slumming it. Julianna even had a facelift for the occasion! She and Sam flirt but much like her days on ER, girl can't seem to have chemistry with any man, no matter how fine an action figure he'd make. But forget about the love interests - this is Snakes On A Plane! By using a Snake Timer, the snakes are released just after takeoff. Sure, this means impending doom for all of our lovable characters (and that asshole British guy) but it also means SNAKE VISION! We learn that a snake's point of view is very green. I had no idea.

As pilots are bitten, shit starts to get FUCKED UP! Gas masks finally drop, but with sweet oxygen comes venomous snakes who really like the way your neck is smellin' thanks to that lei. The token fat lady goes out with a BANG. In several mob-rushing scenes, people fall victim to unexpected tragedy like high heels in ears and broken railing. It's a gore-fest! And don't bother asking yourself, "Why would the bad guys bust ass to get that giant boa constrictor onboard when it can only eat ONE person?"

That's a stupid question once you see it EAT that one person! Oh man... These snakes are outta control! They even kill the virtuous people! The best kills are, in this order: Boa Constrictor, Snake On Penis, and Snake On Boob. When Lin Shaye, who plays the little old stewardess, goes down in the line of snake-fire, she sits among her peers dying and making a speech. This scene COULD be touching with a different actress, but most of us aren't hearing her - we're recalling her roles in There's Something About Mary and Kingpin where she rhapsodizes about how much she likes to take a crap after sex. I'm sure it was no accident that she was cast in this otherwise tearjerker role.

My only real gripe with Snakes On A Plane is the missed opportunity a kickboxer onboard presents. As soon as he introduced himself I grew giddy over the scene in which he'll SURELY kick some snakes! YEAH! Alas, it never came. But I guess Sam smoothly using a taser on various snakes made up for it.

Finally, once the snakes have pushed him too far, Sam exclaims in all his hairless glory, the most profound line of all time: "I have had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!"

Has he ever! I'm not gonna spoil the ending for you, but rest assured that the aggression Sam takes out on the snakes should have killed EVERYONE onboard, including himself. But there's nothin' like a buttload of exotic and ravenous snakes to induce a little Jungle Fever! By the end of the film, Sam has Julianna right where he wants her. (All women are looking for a good snake wrangler.)

There were tears running down my face the entire film. After its big finish we're treated to a ridiculous music video with a song called "Snakes On A Plane" that's managed to remain stuck to my brain all week. This film is supposed to be funny. It's supposed to be FUN. And it is. There's nothing bad to say about a film that just wants to make you jump up and down with glee. God bless you, Snakes On A Plane! Finally a movie that knows that size does matter.

Angie is wearing a kick-ass custom-made t-shirt. Email her for details and YOU could be wearing one too!
Angela Lovell, writer extraordinaire, can kick your ass with a well placed word. Her writing can also be found at Sugarzine, Tickingboxes and WHOREscopes. She can be seen acting (occasionally wearing very little or making out with fellow hot girls) in the web series The Fold (NSFW).


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