Thomm Quackenbush, author

King Kong Proves That Blondes Do NOT Have More Fun

The other night I sang "I Will Survive" with a live band. Everyone wanted more (cos I was in ultimate survival mode) but I said no - cos the only other song the band knew that I would sing was "You Outta Know" and you can't follow Gloria Gaynor with Alanis Morrisette. You just can't put people through that kind of shit after they've seen your best. I can't anyway, but Peter Jackson apparently can.

Peter Jackson, I get it. You perfectly orchestrated a hobbit wonderland only to have billion dollar offers coming at you from all sides. I'm sure it was tough deciding which piece of shit to attempt weaving into gold, but my god man, did you have to make this steaming pile of apeshit so long?! Movies which focus on monkeys should be SHORT - 90 minutes tops. King Kong is not just long, it feels long too. My root canal, in which my gum line was burnt off three times, felt shorter than this film.

Naomi Watts plays Annie - a sweet kid who loses her cart-wheeling, tap-dancing Vaudeville gig when the theatre closes due to hard times. A crooked casting director slams his door to her sending half-starved Annie to strip. Outside the house of sin, Annie is spotted by Jack Black in his most wasteful performance ever. My god, I hope these stars made enough money to buy or sell white slaves! JB seems like a last-minute addition and doesn't fit into this film at all. Plus they gave him about two comedic lines: "I'm way good at out-crappin' the crappers!" And "I'm someone you can trust - I'm a movie producer!"

Feh.

JB talks Annie into hopping aboard a crappy ship to film a script written by (*gasp*) her favorite playwright! Adrien Brody plays the literary object of her affection. Lucky for her, JB tricks Brody into remaining onboard for this shitty cruise headed for (dun, dun, DUN...) SKULL ISLAND! Holy crap, that's such a frighteningly unoriginal name! This whole film is chocked full of unseparated recyclables. When Annie first meets her playwright we get that ol' mixed-up-identity-gag in which she accidentally insults him. It's so lame that you'll want to gouge out your eyes and ears. But don't because you'll miss the blood-thirsty natives of Skull Island!

The wicked, dark-skinned natives capture the lily-white woman and offer her as a sacrifice to their giant monkey god. Led by Brody, the ship's crew rushes to rescue Annie in her muddy lingerie. (The sacrificial set is obviously reused from Lord of The Rings as though Peter Jackson pulled it out of his garage - just behind the Halloween decorations.) But the mighty Kong makes a monkey of them all, snatching Annie from binds which she could not release herself. Technically, her hands should be torn off when Kong pulls her free. But this movie is stupid so her limbs remain intact.

With a fleeting lovable side, Kong is mostly dark and brooding with scars he never talks about. No woman can put up with that for long. Kong and Annie fight a bit and she runs away. When Kong finds her she's being attacked by hungry T-Rex dinosaurs and we're all checking our ticket stubs to see if they read " Jurassic Park IV ." Suddenly, it's all about the dinosaurs, and with a glimpse into how clumsily they run, I think we get a better idea of how dinosaurs really became extinct. Brody, JB and Co. have the most intelligence-insulting scene ever in which they run through a valley as giant brontosauruses stampede over them. They should all die ala' The Lion King and this piece of crap film should just end! But it won't. Not for a very long time.

Giant, prehistoric bugs attack the rescue squad just after they survive the dinosaurs' marathon. This part is really stupid but made me want to experiment with drugs just to liven this onscreen fodder. Trying to avenge a Chinaman he loved dearly (and off-camera, apparently) the ship's one-eyed cook is swallowed whole by giant grubs. I liked that - the grubs and random Chinaman lovin'. It made me laugh though it wasn't supposed to. Cut to Kong fighting two T-Rexes to win his woman back! Careful Annie. Once you go black you never go back! But she's a Barbie girl in a prehistoric world. I suffer a minor The Bodyguard flashback and laugh inappropriately again. On a rampage to protect his special lady friend, alpha-male Kong tears out the tongue of the T-Rex and Annie's more than happy about going home with him. Damn straight! Girl knows killing two T-Rexes is like buying twenty dinners! So she sleeps with him. Well, in the palm of his hand. Until Prince Playwright shows up and lures her from Kong's lair. Attacked by a random pack of bats (huh?), Brody gets his precious white woman back.

I actually liked Adrian Brody and Naomi Watts together. They had some kick-ass chemistry that made me crave a sex scene. Naomi Watts' close-ups were especially heavenly - she's gorgeous! No wonder Kong climbs The Empire State Building for her! (Oh crap, I blew the ending!) Adrian Brody has a big fucking nose but a tenderness that makes me and Lil' Orphan Annie wanna sit on his face. (It's the nose.) Both Brody and Watts are very intense and real actors. This whole film is filled with talent! Like stuffing the hot prom queen in your car trunk but forgetting to let her out, this film had great potential for fun but ended in funk-nasty rot and stink. Like many kidnap victims before her, Annie sides with Kong and fights for his life. I liked that too. But then again, the monkey exhibit at the zoo is my favorite. Alas, no matter how much we've learned from history (and bad remakes) it's just like every time white men bring a boat of black from the other world - always tryin' to keep a brotha down!

JB's blank, boring character is left open for EVIL and he delivers, though half-assedly. Later, with Kong chained and sedated on a Broadway stage, JB exclaims for the audience of elite, "I am touching the beast!"

He's so cute in this moment that my Jack-Black-Crush from two years ago almost returns. Almost. But by now I'm so sick of this movie that I want everyone to die. An overdone film like this needs a lot humor and there are only about three comedic lines in the whole thing that won't get more than a chortle from you. Peter Jackson... I'm sure everyone's asking what the fuck you were thinking, but I'd like to ask, "Would she go down on you in a theater...?! You, you, you outta know!"

No matter. He's laughin' all the way to the bank. Peter Jackson will survive.
Angie is wearing a kick-ass custom-made t-shirt. Email her for details and YOU could be wearing one too!
Angela Lovell, writer extraordinaire, can kick your ass with a well placed word. Her writing can also be found at Sugarzine, Tickingboxes and WHOREscopes. She can be seen acting (occasionally wearing very little or making out with fellow hot girls) in the web series The Fold (NSFW).



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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