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D.E.B.S. Does Disaster
Every once in a while a film comes along to make us question our sexuality, career choice, or straight-up existence. In Bizarro World, D.E.B.S. is this film. In the real world, it is simply soft porn to the audience of single, middle-aged men who dared not make eye contact with me for fear I could identify them in a lineup later as police ask, "Which one was whacking it during the film?"

Angela Robinson, the writer/director, took a ten-minute version of D.E.B.S. to The Sundance Film Festival where some fool gave her money to make it a full-length movie. In theory, this is a good idea. But so is Communism. Editors make a lot of money from writers for a reason. Most writers should not direct. Angela Robinson is one of them.

The opening of D.E.B.S. promises one bad-ass, hot girl throw-down with spy series style. D.E.B.S. tritely stands for "discipline, energy, beauty and strength." Girls are recruited through a secret test hidden within the SATs, and whisked off to a special spy academy where anything goes with their dress code, so long as plaid is involved. A band of senior D.E.B.S. is brought in to track Lucy Diamond - A supervillain who does, says, and exudes nothing super except a fake tan. Lucy is rendezvousing with a Russian killer and the D.E.B.S. need to find out why. Turns out Lucy is a lesbian and set up on a blind date with the annoying Russian assassin. Cute, right? The old pervs in the audience certainly thought so. But when the girls disrupt Lucy's bad date the shit should hit the fan. The hot black D.E.B. struts with giant gun in knee socks towards Lucy, bullets flying, me bracing myself for some karate kicks. But none come. Instead Lucy breaks loose, running into Amy "The Perfect Score" D.E.B. Amy, blonde, leggy, and doe-eyed, has just dumped her secret service man saying "It" just isn't there. Oh ho, "It" certainly shows up when she comes face to face with Lucy Diamond! Amy's friend, the dipstick D.E.B., learns of her love for Lucy. In school, this dorky D.E.B. tells Amy, "They're calling you a hero when really you're a slut! A gay slut!"

Good versus evil as the two girls fall in love after Lucy kidnaps Amy for a dyke-fest. You'd think this would be hot, right? Well, it's just boring. Especially since the two have nothing in common, say nothing interesting, and communicate mostly with big, batting eyes and scrunched mouths - Y'know, like lesbians in the wild. Meanwhile, Amy's little secret-keeper D.E.B. friend falls for Lucy's sidekick guy pal who I really thought was gay. From dykes to dorks, everyone is emailing and pillow-fighting as I'm making grocery lists in my head. Even if the girls weren't doing so, the soundtrack kicked ass. Until Lucy loses Amy to her true calling of law enforcement and tries to get her back by singing Erasure's "A Little Respect" into a broom handle during a montage where she returns stolen money in efforts to diffuse her bad reputation. Lip-synching should only occur in film when irony is involved. A dull dyke who needs more food and less sun, accompanied by her effeminate sidekick, just plain offended me. Arguing with someone who cut in line at the concession counter was more interesting than this.

The best parts of D.E.B.S. are easily a few I-Wish-I-Was-Heathers one-liners and the French girl. Not at all a new stereotype, she is at least exotic with her Asian face and hilarious wallowing in her black coffee, chain-smoking and slutty ways. Although she's on the poster, Frenchie gets about fifteen minutes screen time.

The lame-ass, overworked theme of D.E.B.S. is this: Let your heart decide, not the crowd. And make sure you get a good hairdresser for your first big movie, or your career could really suffer, no matter how tall, blonde and convincing you are when kissing girls.


Don't See Saw

Whannell and James Wan, please teach me your blowjob technique, as your dick-sucking skills must be mind-altering. How else could such a contrived cliché be transferred from half-ass script to celluloid? These guys definitely swallow.

A clownish Marilyn Manson action figure who rides a tricycle and instructs victims how to chop and dice their way out of deadly scenarios should scare us. But it doesn't. Michael Jackson in a pig mask lunging from the backseat of a car should scare us. But it doesn't. Count Chocula's Hi-Tech Dollhouse of Torture and Sound Systems should scare us. But... It doesn't.

Cary Elwes hasn't had a good job since emulating Zorro in The Princess Bride, or having his sperm stolen by Alicia Silverstone in The Crush. Cary's accidental accent outshone him each time he spoke quickly, and I wondered if his lack of work is because he can't keep his British under control. (Or maybe he needs lessons in fellatio from the "writers?") Cary (badly) plays Dr. Gordon - A boring man who cheats on his boring wife with a boring Asian who he doesn't even boink. Dr. Gordon wakes up chained to a pipe across the room from Adam - A fellow bad actor pretending to be Keanu Reeves. Kidnapped by a serial killer and given lame-ass clues for escape like, "X marks the spot" and "follow your heart," Adam and Dr. Gordon try to lasso us in with lines such as the educated doctor's outburst, "Everything has been pre-thought out!"

Adam's next, trying to show up Keanu with his impassioned outburst, "My camera doesn't know how to lie!"

But the coup de gras of all lines has got to be when Adam viciously retorts to a troubled Dr. Gordon, "I don't care if you cover yourself in peanut butter and have a fifteen hooker gang-bang!"

Following their hearts directly into a shitty toilet, the guys find hacksaws - The real stars of Saw. The boys realize they could escape by sawing off a handcuffed foot and one of them does... Two hours later when it's no longer necessary. James' and Leigh's lack of bloody stump shot made it clear just how small the budget was for the fruits of their lockjaw labor.

Surprisingly, Danny Glover's career is suffering since he starred in this piece of crap too, playing that ol' tried and true stereotypical black cop, who will do everything in his power to catch this tricycle-riding, clown-puppeteer psycho with a maxed out Best Buy card. As Danny repeatedly watches a video of the clown demonstrating a skull-bomb, his Asian partner (played by Leigh Whannel, the "writer") slaps him on the back and says, "Maybe you should find yourself a girlfriend!"

Instead of masturbating to this clown tape? Forging through this "film" is like wading in raw sewage - It stinks and doesn't go anywhere. Saw is so laden with overused lines, faux drama, and horrendous acting that I can't even have fun making fun of it.

Cupping balls, finger in the butt? Tell me. You Asians and you're Happy Endings...

Angie is wearing a kick-ass custom-made t-shirt. Email her for details and YOU could be wearing one too!
Angela Lovell, writer extraordinaire, can kick your ass with a well placed word. Her writing can also be found at Sugarzine, Tickingboxes and WHOREscopes. She can be seen acting (occasionally wearing very little or making out with fellow hot girls) in the web series The Fold (NSFW).

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