Thomm Quackenbush, author

X-Men

Comic books, in case you find yourself locked in a box for the last three years, has become the major force behind the modern motion picture. Don't get me wrong, I love comic book inspired films, but like any trend if you flood the theaters with crap, people are going to stop going. For the record, back in the 1990's Marvel decided to market some of their books for the film world. For those of you willing to look, there's a wonderful Fantastic Four film floating around out there that proves the point that stock footage has a place in the modern entertainment world. Anyway, after the film that never was, Marvel cut their losses and redoubled their effort managing to put together a string of real films that actually saw the light of the day. Take X-men for example, a book about a group of outsiders protecting a world in which they are conceived to be the enemy of humanity. Just like the Amish.

Before Congress held meetings about important things, like juiced steroid freaks they dealt with problems like those stinking mutant that inhabit the fiber of our everyday lives. Humans as we all know evolve, unless you bring up that whole Creationism argument, but those people believe the Grand Canyon was formed from a large flood. Anyway, in this evolution they gain fantastic powers like the uncanny ability to summon knives from their hands and move items with their mind powers. Enter our teen runaway Marie, who just happens to be a mutant who can suck the life out of anything she touches, so she's just like every other female on the face of the earth. Teaming with a cage fighter--I wish I were making this up--she discovers an underground community of mutants who've dedicated their lives to protecting the world against evil mutants. The good guys' fight the bad guys in a torrent of poorly choreographed battles and at the end of the day, the Statue of Liberty almost becomes a ray gun.

Somewhere between the random casting, the horrid special effects, and the worst concept from a villain ever, the creators of this film forgot one little detail: they forgot to make this film interesting. It looks good, but the story is so completely tied to Wolverine's ass that the inclusion of the rest of the X-men seems forced on the viewer. Add to this the attempt to cram years of stories into an hour and a half and the result is just an awkward mess leaving the viewer confused while setting up a thankfully better sequel.

Your Moment of Insanity

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

Look Out For

  1. The X-men are a secret organization that attempts to hide itself by labeling everything they own with a big fat X.
  2. Turning into a jelly fish and washing up naked on a beach is understandably not a good political move, but strangely enough, they never bring this point up in the media. Screw the UN celebration; we have Senators washing up naked on beaches.
  3. In her bedroom, Rogue has a map of all the places she wants to go in her life. They stole that idea from Mask. "You can go anywhere you want now baby, anywhere you want."
  4. If you wake a Canadian from a restful dream about medical experimentation, then you deserve any kind of stabbing you get.
  5. Your costume is as follows: Put on a nice jacket and a generic baseball hat. Okay good, you look like everybody else. Don't forget to wear this pair of clumsily large blast goggles, okay good now you look like a complete idiot. Remember to smile at the children.

Your Wesley Willis Moment

I'm the Godfather of taking everyone on a music joyride.

A Stevehenish Tagline

Some mutants fight for good.
Others fight for evil.
I'll grab a coffee and meet you in the parking lot later.

Lay Off the Spandex Before Someone Catches You Wearing It

  1. Catwoman
  2. Superman IV
  3. Spiderman 2


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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At Double Dragon