Thomm Quackenbush, author

Witchcraft XI

Welcome back to the United States; please enjoy our bountiful amount of pornography. Despite our record deficit that will one day ensure our country's bankruptcy, Americans can go to bed each night rest assured that our porn industry is the greatest in the world. It all comes down to the free market concept that more is always better. It would've been simple to stop the Witchcraft series after ten, but to our engineering spirit, this would have been a crime. In the sprit of our relenting attitude towards sub par porn, I submit Witchcraft XI.

Three college friends, on the suggestion of their creepy child molesting drama teacher, decide to go to a local cemetery in search of witch's ghosts to better their understanding of Macbeth. Unfortunately, they find what they're looking for and the three friends slowly fall to the mystical energies that threaten to take over the earth. Enter Will, a psychic who must team with the LAPD to halt the evil magical affair. In between these three friends make out, kill a couple of priests, and come close to destroying the earth as we know it. Maybe the police presence will make everything better… never mind they're too busy sleeping with each other. Humanity's screwed.

The joy of this film is not in its awkwardly paced love scenes that evaporate just before entering the realm of anything resembling erotic, but the fact that the film anchors itself in a sphere of realism that other films can only aspire to achieve. Gone are the elements that hindered Witchcraft X, replaced instead with a simpler tale that achieves more in the first ten minutes then the previous installment achieved in its entirely. Don't get me wrong, the film is still a collection of clumsiness leading one of the worst climatic endings ever imagined. Can you say rising demon while the screen is covered in fire? I thought you could, I thought you could.

Rest assured, these films will continue to exist not because of their quality, but because we're Americans. Everyone else just needs to get in line and enjoy our Wiccan porn.

Your Moment of Insanity:

We wait for the keyhole to reveal itself and the gateway to open, so that I may turn this place into Satan's glory on Earth. Won't you join us?

You Should Look Out For:

  1. For once, it's a priest being molested by a vampire and not the other way around. As a former alter boy I can attest to the mountains of vampire molestation that goes on during a Sunday mass. You might call the molesting of a priest wrong. I call it ironic.
  2. "I have something to show you. *BAM!* Now you're a demon, sleep with me." Someone try this out and tell me if it works.
  3. When the film begins with a woman willing participating in morning sex, then you know you're living in a fantasy world where the rules of logic no matter apply.
  4. If you don't believe in God, you're setting yourself up to become the pawn of the Devil. Great message, now consider the source is a soft core porn movie, and bathe in all the paradox glory.
  5. Sleeping with your students will lead to them poking your eyes out with a pencil and donating your body to a demonic presence. Lesson learned.

Did You Know?

The talented Steve Warren created the beautiful visual effects, no relation.

A Random Moment With Wesley Willis

Leave me lying on the street corner dead. Shoot me in the ass.

Think About What Your Kids Will Say When They Find This DVD

  1. All Dogs Go to Heaven
  2. Gremlins
  3. The Last Unicorn


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
On Amazon
On B&N
At Double Dragon