Thomm Quackenbush, author

Witchcraft X

From the island country that originated the theory of placing Jedi on your voting card in hopes of making it an actual religion comes some wacky porn. Since the American porn industry ran out of fresh ideas years ago, we turn to our British masters to infuse us with new films to hide from our parents. The result is Witchcraft X and the new belief that some things are just better left to American actors as the British accent while adorable, just makes every scene seem like a PBS travel show. On a side note, the "X" part is a nod to Roman numerals and in no way indicates a marriage of Wicca and Islam. For a film about religious conversion, watch Jason X.

When Interpol catches a warlock, they send word to the LAPD who sends their most obsessed officer over seas to extradite the jerk back to a waiting electric chair in the States. Unfortunately, some vampires free the warlock and a coven of darkness decide to raise a demon and conquer the world. Things don't look very good for the forces of light. Fear not though, Mother Earth has her own protector and she wears a plastic blue dress while moving crap with her mind powers. Using her good magic, she combines forces with Interpol and together they save the world and all manage to get some sexual action.

Were you expecting a masterful story about the differences between good and evil with a compelling range of acting skills? Sorry to disappoint, but Witchcraft X is more about the struggle between my eyes and the processing center in my mind that allows my inner child to ignore the incoming visions of naked horror. Sure, there are naked people, but any nudist colony offers nakedness. Hell, throw a couple of bucks my way and I'll get naked in front of your house, and spurt random nonsensical dialogue. The film itself is like Vietnam. No one went in expecting a fun time, and the survivors ended up going nuts when they came home.

I encourage more Witchcraft movies, not because these films mark any semblance of quality, but eventually they'll run out of ideas and let me write a future porn film. Witchcraft XXIII will defiantly rock the halls of Wicca porn and that, my friend, is that.

Your Moment of Insanity:

I serve Satan, the only true master.

You Should Look Out For:

  1. If you're at a bar and two beautiful raver women come up to you and lead you into the nearest stairwell, chances are you're going to die. On the bright side, you might just get laid in the process. Sometimes you have to weight your options.
  2. When ripped from the chest cavity, vampire hearts burst into flames. This trick also works with puppies and baby monkeys.
  3. Think your parents walking in on you have sex is odd? Well, try to keep focused when a Wicca priestess teleports her thoughts into your bedroom. On a side note, the British guy is wearing a pair of white briefs and I threw up a little.
  4. British people love dancing to no music whatsoever, but damn it all, they have a health care system worth something.
  5. High heel shoes placed on the chest of vampires can kill them instantly. Sure this would work, if her shoes were wood.

A Random Moment With Wesley Willis

Get that crazy ass mullet off your skull.

Put the Porn Down and Make Something of Your Life

  1. Lord of the G-String
  2. Erotic Witch Project 2
  3. Witchcraft XI (It Never Stops)

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

The Night's Dream Series

We Shadows by Thomm Quackenbush

Danse Macabre by Thomm Quackenbush

Artificial Gods by Thomm Quackenbush