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Follow me as we go down into the hidden valley, past the wonderful blue skies cast over the green fields of harmony, a wonderful place rests for those who are brave enough to enter it. It is a magical place where the animals communicate through mental implants watching French Impressionist films while droves of Moby fans bath them with scented oils retrieved from the Alps. In the center of this barrage of insensitive mockery, a sickly pale man sits. Not just a man, perhaps the better term is blight. It all began with Crispin Glover and it ends when we exit the other side of the rabbit hole wrapped in the remains of those not strong enough to complete the journey.

Willard was a lonely man who lived in a house with his mentally deficient mother. One day, Willard discovered that by using the right ingredients selected from only the finest sources he could communicate with rodents. His life became a wonderful source of inspiration, as he was able to use his rodent army to implement his idea of revenge. Willard was a slow man so even when he receives advancements of a beautiful woman he chooses instead to huddle in his basement watching his rodents as they move above sucking the film from the camera in scenes inspired by ineptitude. Willard's mother suddenly dies and his world becomes a tangled mess of blunder as the spirit of every animal actor spins majestically in their graves to the musical styling of Robbers on High Street. Revenge becomes a quest for Willard, as he turns against the problems of his life only to become a victim to the rodents themselves.

Only the best ingredients were used to create this mumbled massacre of art. Crispin Glover, as usual, is completely insane and left under the Virginia sun until his eyes, ripe with the juices of sweet ignorance, burst outward coating the screen with flubbed lines and campy dialogue. The movie itself descends majestically downward and turns into a flubbed Discovery documentary with in the first twenty minutes leaving the cast to ponder the sweet embrace of death. R. Lee Ermey in pursuit of killing his career plays a convincing boss at Willard's firm. There is a love interest, however she is not important as the director went towards the bestiality goal destroying not only this film, but also the remarkably better original work.

Try a nice cold lump of our wonderful creation and you too will suck the caps from your teeth in order to kill the pain. The acting alone with have you prance about naked as masked men armed with rabbit wire coated bats barrage you with a flash of wonderful flavor. A mockery of the silver screen, a horrid excuse for the art of English language and personal communication, and one of the worst stories ever told. Willard is a poor excuse for a movie and a poor excuse for the continuation of mankind. You may begin Armageddon now.

Things You Look Out For:

  1. R. Lee Ermey wanted to create the boss from hell. Unfortunately, he succeeds as creating the military drill sergeant from Hell, dressed in a tweed business suit. It is the same character from Full Metal Jacket, which is a good movie.
  2. The special edition DVD has a music video for the song Ben. Directed by Crispin Glover, it is a glimpse into the madness of the human mind.
  3. The actual box labels the movie as "an unforgettable journey into the mind of a madman". My theory is that no matter how crazy you are, controlling the mind of rodents is not necessarily a madman trait. It is a trait of God.

Your Moment of Insanity

No, everything is not okay. How you like it if some maniac invaded the privacy of your home and scared the dog s*** out of your wife and then you had to lose an entire nights sleep because your dealing with the cops. Knowing that perverted sicko has control over you and your family's peace of mind. For Jesus and Christ, for how long, how long will it last? No, I'm not alright. This morning, I rode the subway.

Did You Know:

I wanted to get rid of this movie at one point. Unfortunately, the film cursed and will always come back to me, until I make three wishes. You have to love Monkey Paw references.

Movies That Have Animals:

  1. Congo
  2. Milo & Otis
  3. Homeward Bound

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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