Thomm Quackenbush, author

Underworld

Hey, it's you. Glad you came back, not that it matters. Nothing really matters anymore. Nothing's wrong, today is not a good day. I don't want to talk about it. It's not as if you understand me anyway. Well, you say you do, but those are just words. Words and feelings are two separate things you know. You don't understand me, I am just too Emo for you to comprehend. Just leave me alone to sit in my black room listening to my Disintegration album as I rock back and forth in my own bodily waste. You're right, you understand me. Turn off the lights and take your shirt off, it's time to cuddle.

It's a war out there. As we speak, Vampires and Werewolves run naked in the streets frolicking amongst themselves battling over who gets to use the rest of us for cattle. Humans like this idea, so there's no problem with them. When a human who holds the cure to the Lycan condition is bitten, a rouge vampire decides to break rank with her clan to protect her new love. Really, that's actual the poorly executed plot. Look it up for yourself if you don't believe me. Eventually the bitten lover becomes half vampire and half Lycan and we all die inside. I want my money back.

What happens when you mix the Matrix with the collective writings of Anne Rice and sprinkle in a love story designed around Romeo and Juliet? For better or worse, the result of this bastard marriage of rubber is the film Underworld. I understand the desire for this film. Unfortunately, it's a genre piece, which means that the majority of the audience has no idea what's going on. The added love story is laughable, with the most outrageous closure ever setting up for what I hope is not a sequel but a nationwide attempt to return the money of anyone who sat through the film in the theater. The effects are good, but then again the money had to go somewhere. It all boils down to a poor action flick with no redeemable angle.

Sleek and completely without a sense of plot or characterization, Underworld is a drab example of action movie drama. As everybody knows, Team Xenex knows Drama. You may think TNT knows drama, but trust me. Drama called me personally yesterday and said, "Those jive turkeys don't know me." Leave my friend Drama alone TNT.

Your Moment of Insanity:

So for once, the rumors were true. The whole house has been absolutely buzzing about your new pet. Oh God, you're going to try to turn him aren't you?

You Should Look Out For:

  1. If ever you're shot in the face, give the appearance of taking a crap and the bullets will magically fall out of you. That's nice. Pass me a gun.
  2. It will take you fifteen minutes to discover that your face has been sliced in two.
  3. They set up a sequel. At the end of the film, blood flow into the crypt of the second sleeping vampire. Unfortunately, this vampire will have no army to command. Thus, it shall suck.
  4. Vampires need to breathe. Well, considering the fact that they're dead, there better be a good reason for this. Nope, they're just retarded.
  5. Nobody will notice a woman clad in leather jumping from the roof of a Gothic church.

A Lesson For the Film Maker

Never start a film with a monologue explaining the premise for the film. Let the audience work the story out for themselves. It seems an easy way to explain back story, but chances are unless you plant some grand revelation in the beginning of the film nobody will really care. It's a cheap trick, and we're smarter then that.

Did You Know:

They tried to play the interracial relationship angle as the premise for the film. I wish I were making this up.

A Stevehenish Tagline:

You will root for the Swamp Monster.

Vampires and Werewolves Oh Crap

  1. A Vampire in Brooklyn
  2. An American Werewolf in Paris
  3. Wolf


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
On Amazon
On B&N
At Double Dragon