Thomm Quackenbush, author

Ujiti Hawara

A Tale of Two Homos

The Good
Every single homosexual typecast and stereotype explodes outward create a grandiose theater of the absurd.

The Bad
The boys go to a no-meat restaurant which didn't exist in the 1950's or whenever this story takes place. Frankly, the movie stunk and I couldn't care less about the franchise as a whole. Take that, John Travolta.

The Review
Fact, Ujiti Hawara is not a real name but the combination of the term tree and lover. Therefore, using my magical stick of logic, the author of this tale must be the Jolly Green Giant or someone who found a translation dictionary. Why you would name yourself after those dirty tree hugging hippies is anyone's guess. Why you would further shoot yourself in your creative face by writing Grease fan fiction is just inexcusable. However, as a budding author of crap, I can appreciate the absurdity of the subject and the need for constructive criticism. I'm constructive.

Here's the deal. Sonny and Zuko are gay. Tired of their closet lifestyle they decide to out themselves one day. The method, well it's the 1950's and despite the author's need to put Boy George in the story, the two boys decide by "acting" gay then they could somehow be together forever in an open relationship. That makes zero sense. I know try to picture yourself actually reviewing this stuff. Put yourself in my shoes. You ungracious jerk.

Anyway, as with most fan fiction, Hawara decided to change things up a little. Throw the proverbial curve ball if you would. As it turns out in that twisted bastard of a universe, grease did not represent the hair product but something completely random.

"My thoughts exactly! I thought they'd take a hint by now, I mean, seriously, we're always fixing our hair, popping our collars, and slapping each other's butts. It's pretty obvious. I can't believe they haven't figured out that Grease is just a slang term that means anal lube."

You didn't see that one coming. Admit it, I mean seriously the wheel of randomness turned completely off its axel and spun into on coming traffic. Logically looking back, it explains everything from the leather jackets to the dance sequences. Ironically it also explains the National Football League and the prison system, but that's another matter altogether.

The following represents in my opinion the mindset of the author.

"Oh, sweetie, the honor would be mine." Sonny sassed flirtatiously, until he realized it made no sense.

None of this makes any sense. Seriously, if you as a reader jump at the chance to read this and wonder to yourself where the plot is then I apologize. As a human being however, you fail; we expect your membership card to the human race in the mail.

"Oh my gosh, stay right there, in that position. Your thighs…they look fabulous in those jeans! I'd like to put them in a pipe and smoke it."

Well, thank you. Really though, they don't make my butt look big or anything? That's great. Here's my question, have you ever actually smoked a pair of pants? That would explain everything.

The plot quickens as Sonny heads to gym class and afterwards a group of pissed hosed off football players approach him. One would think this columniation would result in something… hell, something. Sonny's head should roll off, a freaking orgy or something should happen, but no nothing. Call it the intervention of a loving God, the story ends. I mean it just ends...

Your Moment of Insanity
"Alright, ya land lovers. Ya first task is to climb this here rope. Make sure ya don't burn ye wang!" Pirate Bob told the students.

Your Musical Moment By Ben Folds
I went for the kill. I read the same books, I learned to fake the emotions of a sensitive human being and we were so happy. But you found things to fix.

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


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