Thomm Quackenbush, author


Forget everything you know about vampires, they're about to get reinvented again. Why we can't just decide to accept them for what they are, pale insane creatures that turn into burning piles of ash in the sun. The quicker we get over this brooding fantasy love crap, the faster we can get to really cool vampire fighting scenes in small town diners.
Kyle blocking arrows with Hal Jordan has nothing to do with this. Moving on.

Long story short, there's a girl named Bella who is uprooted from her Arizona home to live with her hick lawman father somewhere in the backwoods of Washington. Immediately, she's befriended by everyone in the school with the exception of the pea coat wearing Edward. Edward is, of course, a vampire; now picture me reading the first part of that waving my fingers slightly in the air. I think I need to make this a videocast.

Anyway, Edward -- thrown off by his inability to read Bella's mind -- falls for her, welcoming her into the world of brooding vampires. There's a whole variety pack of them. One looks like Zack Morris, another looks like a young Kira Sedgwick and the rest all blend into a glop of bad acting. With the exception of Alice -- she has pretty hair and a sense of style... I need to stop right there. All goes well until, during a vampire baseball game, another clan discovers that Bella is a human and the hunt is on. It becomes a wacky cross country comedy until it ends with building a fire and sucking vampire poison out of a gapping wrist wound. In truth, it never really ends, it fucking stays with you. This is the Vietnam of vampire movies.
My money is going to go with the glitter vampire.

Bella and Edward, together at last and safe from rival vampire clans -- it hurts me so much to write this -- decide to stay in love and make the whole living undead thing work. This really pisses off some random Native American kid who will likely do something horribly stereotypical in the future. I'm guessing war paint, something involving a bow or turning into a wolf. If only there was a book series based on this.

You Should Look Out For

  1. "Chillax" is not a word. It will never be a word, so you need to stop it. Just stop it now.
  2. Bella was molested by Santa and that's why she moved to Arizona. Thirteen years later, she returns for revenge. Too bad a fun loving group of vampires turn her vengeance into a quick meal. Now enraged at her lost justice, Bella, along with a rag tag group of Native American Shamans, wages a never-ending war against the undead. That's a movie plot.
  3. Vampires love baseball, but can only play during a thunderstorm because they end up A-Roding the ball. Why they don't just paint the ball black and play during the day escapes everyone. Vampires hate spray paint, apparently.
  4. Suck the vampire poison out Edward. Suck Suck Suck!
  5. Glitter vampires! Holy shit, that's a horrible idea. How did they even think was going to w... so shiny almost like a lava lamp... so peaceful.

Your Moment of Insanity
"Do I dazzle you?"

Your Musical Moment Provided By Iron and Wine Now I'm a fat house cat. Nursing my sore blunt tongue. Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks. Pissing on magazine photos.

Now kiss to that song. Kiss to the cat urination song.

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

The Night's Dream Series

We Shadows by Thomm Quackenbush

Danse Macabre by Thomm Quackenbush

Artificial Gods by Thomm Quackenbush