Thomm Quackenbush, author

The Tuxedo

Everybody gets a second chance. Except you. You anger me greatly. Everybody else just consider yourselves on my good list. Since we're good friends and all, maybe someone can explain something to me. What does it mean to snug with someone? Is it a kiss or a frolic naked amongst a cute American movie reviewer? As we ponder this question together, rest assured good things always have a way of coming back in style. An excellent case in point lies right in front of you. Jackie Chan is back. So is Shinobi, but that's another story altogether.

This time around, Jackie plays a no-nonsense cab driver who becomes a chauffeur for a secret agent. After blowing this role, literally, Jackie dons his white master's clothes in order to continue the fight against tyranny. This isn't your everyday suppressor's uniform. It's a tuxedo with remarkable abilities that include granting the wearer karate abilities. The villain of the flick takes the form of a British water executive who's contrived a scheme bent on poisoning the United States water supply. Role-playing as his white lover, Jackie teams up with a CSA operative played by Jennifer Love Hewitt and together wacky misadventures ensue.

Dismissing everything you know about Jackie Chan's previous experience the film still doesn't work out. Don't get me wrong, it looks good, but so do car accidents, especially those accidents involving yours truly. The acting aside, the plot of the film is one of the worst ideas ever pitched. How bad is the plot? Well, if I were in charge, someone would be slapped, hard. It wouldn't be one of those little slaps ether. I'm talking full frontal open fisted backhand number right across your face. This idea is just stupid. Jennifer Love Hewitt acts her way through a laugh-induced fever and manages not to sing us one of her widely known songs. Are we in Japan? Well, everybody has a hit record in Japan.

Incredibly awkward, The Tuxedo strives to achieve some sense of coherency only to fail as the credits begin to appear on screen. Your basic plot less action film about nothing in particular.

Your Moment of Insanity:

Can your girlfriend shoot the groin out of a target?
Yes, she can.

You Should Look Out For:

  1. Jackie Chan's character name is Jimmy Tong. Hollywood continues to redefine the Chinese stereotype, good for them.
  2. Burger King does serve pizza. They just spit on it more then they do the rest of their food. All praise to Burger King, getting their butt kicked by Wendy's since 1989.
  3. Dr. Angelo continues to rock as he makes that crazy old white woman sit in the Hospital waiting room. He's my hero.
  4. Jennifer Love Hewitt plays both a brain and a martial artist. She has ether the greatest range I've ever seen or a good agent.
  5. Jackie Chan just happens to injure the one bike messenger in NYC who looks like a stunt man.

Did You Know:

Jackie Chan did not kill James Brown's career. I think running from the law while high on Jesus did though. Get on up, like a sex machine.

A Stevehenish Tagline:

Silly boy, you no shave down there.

Guys in Suits Can Kick My Ass

  1. The World is Not Enough
  2. The Matrix
  3. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


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