Thomm Quackenbush, author

A special guest column by Melissa

Toriphiles

I went on a rant a few weeks ago; I tend to do this from time to time. The rant was about Tori Amos fans. The unfortunate listener to this rant is another contributor to this website that we all know and love, Stevehen. I think it prompted him to write a little something about the woman herself. He said all that needs to be said about her. I am going to use this space to get out all of my hatred for Tori Amos fans, and oh do I ever have hatred for them.

We all know the typical Tori Amos fan: they are female, femi-nazis, emotional, and downright annoying. Everything that happens to them is the biggest freaking deal in the world and they have a Tori Amos song in mind that completely fits the situation and makes them feel justified in their stupidity. They like to be all girly and wear pink and glitter and shit but don't you dare stereotype them as weak females, they are strong and independent and aren't at all clingy and annoying to everyone in their life, oh no not at all. Most of them were raped at one point as well; funny, there must be some correlation to liking Tori Amos and getting raped. Kinda makes you consider not listening to the music just to avoid the unavoidable sexual assault that will soon follow. And oh how I look forward to the e-mail that rips me apart for being "insensitive" to rape. All I have to say to that is "bite me". Yeah, rape is serious and horrible but what is more horrible is when people lie about being raped to get attention and we all know someone who has done that. I am simply saying that Tori fans have a propensity for this lie so that they can claim greater understanding of Tori herself, which I guess makes them cooler in their world.

I have listened to the music, to be more specific I have been horribly subjected to the noise created by Tori Amos by people who were my friends and quickly became not my friends by the 4th time they called me in the middle of night crying that their boyfriend was mean to them, their parents are mean to them, or they put their shoe on the wrong foot. I have a lot of patience for people -- I work with the mentally ill -- what I do not have patience for is drama that is internally created. Just so all you Tori fans know, chances are not one single person in your life really cares about how tortured your life is because you live with your parents, get $50 a week allowance, and get to go to every Tori concert that occurs in a 500 mile radius. I am sorry but your life does not suck, I know you wish it did, but it doesn't. Move on, you waste of life. Damn, I went off on an angry tangent (they are the best kind). Back to the actual music and the intention of this paragraph, it sucks, the music sucks, and it's not good at all. There I made my point on that subject.

Now before all you Tori fans get your Hello Kitty Day Of The Week panties in a bunch, understand that I am making generalizations, I am sure there is a Tori Amos fan or two out there that I would not want to punch in the face repeatedly but I have never found one. Do they keep the good ones in a cage somewhere? But I am not too concerned; there are people and things out there that I would be much more concerned about hating me, like a group of fuzzy little bunnies for example. There's not too much bite to a Tori-phile, they are much more likely to sit in their room and cry about stuff than do something about it. I bet I only get one piece of hate mail for this and just in case you need me to spell it out for you, that was pretty much a dare. I would love to get a few laughs from an inbox full of letters from angry Tori fans; it would make my freaking day.


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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At Double Dragon