Thomm Quackenbush, author

The Breed

There is no such thing as a bad vampire movie. Strike that previous line, I forgot about that Anne Rice adaptation. All I'm saying is that it's hard to take a concept as good as vampires and screw it up. Some of you might look at the cast of this film and make a Highlander joke or a cheap reference about the sister from The Crow, but that's low brow humor. For the most part, this movie started as an attempt on my behalf to find that one vampire film that just stunk. As this film did not stink, the quest continues. I really need to fill out the paperwork and get a life.

Steven Grant -- not the comic book writer -- is a cop whose partner ends up on the buffet line when he inadvertently runs his neck into the mouth of a vampire. After being tossed from a second floor apartment window and surviving intact, Steven heads back headquarters and discovers that vampires revealed themselves to humanity years ago and now occupy a loose alliance, hunting the renegades of the vampire lot. Now teamed with a Jewish Holocaust survivor vampire Adam, Steven enters a world of conspiracy where the lines of sanity cross before dancing midget vampires come to rescue us all. In the end, Steven sleeps with a vampire, avenges his partner, wipes out a political system, and has the worst exiting fumble with a trench coat ever.

This is what we call "low budget horror". This is not to say that this film is bad in any way. On the contrary, The Breed is an excellent film, filled with great characterization and par acting. Now to explain the problem with this film, it is important to note my love for those high-wire kung fu flicks. Normally the wire is thin enough to remove in post production work. Unfortunately, the wires used in this film are probably the size of normal rope, and, while they were removed from the film in post, the result is action sequences with these awkward jerks that send the actors tumbling about as though they were in the laundry spin cycle. It's awkward to say the least.

I bought it expecting the worse and ended up with a decent flick. Sometimes these things happen. I'll just have to try a little harder next time.

Your Moment of Insanity

If a Puerto Rican had killed your partner what, you'd want to exterminate all Puerto Ricans?
Puerto Ricans don't bench-press trucks and drink blood.

Look Out For

  1. The vampire police force comes equipped with silver bullets and silver handcuffs. Expensive yes, but awesomely cool.
  2. Olympic acrobats are prone to coming out of the sewer system. This is, of course, a police theory, and is why the human police force never solves any crimes.
  3. The occupation of Lucy the vampire falls under both Pacifist and Revolutionary. She's like a vampire Gandhi.
  4. Shouting "hold your fire" works, but works better when you're flying through the air shooting people.
  5. Well, you could try to get past the panther leading you out of my house, or I could just get naked. I'll be upstairs on my bed when you figure out what you want to do.

A Stevehenish Tagline

Your random items are Nazi's and vampires.
Make it work or pay the price.

Vampires Suck, But in a Good Way

  1. The Forsaken
  2. John Carpenter's Vampires
  3. From Dusk Till Dawn


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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On B&N
At Double Dragon