Thomm Quackenbush, author

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

Welcome to the special, lenticular, extra fabulous, candy coated, extended version of Justify Your Crap. Today, we will discuss the cinema classic that has been redone and re-released so many times that today's version is likely to resemble more a congruent piece of action figure marketing rather then an actual movie. This is a shame. Back when I was a kid, I loved this movie. Unfortunately, I grew up and the puppet covered midgets, along with the cheery dance hall ending of Jedi, suddenly lost their flavor. For all the build-up of the two previous films, Jedi disappoints the viewer, ending with the muttered whimper of a kick to the groin.

This is it, the final throw-down battle between the plastic coated men of the Empire versus the floppy haired punks of the Rebellion. The first order of the Rebels is not to reconsolidate their forces, rethink their head-on approach, form new alliances, hamper the economical development of Empire, but save Han Solo. The rescue mission is dangerous, so the Rebels in their infinite wisdom decide to send in their leadership. This all or nothing attitude is what got them in trouble in Empire, but maybe they figure they will get lucky. From that beginning, the movie travels into a realm of planning for a massive assault. The mission is, of course, suicide, but rest assured the side that has the most fur covered midgets on their side at the end of the day wins. After the numerous military conferences and discussions that boil down to the most insane strategy ever conceived, the viewer is assaulted with numerous battles designed to close the trilogy. Good wins the day, and the universe is greeted with a power vacuum of dozens of races who will likely scamper over themselves in a vain attempt to gain power. If you like intergalactic Civil War, then you would love the anarchy that follows and will probably be ignored in the next three installments because the sad truth hurts.

Back when George Lucas had other people transcribing his cement glue-induced delusions, many moviegoers waited in anticipation for the final installment of the Star Wars trilogy. With good reason; keep in mind that The Empire Strikes Back is an amazing film filled with enough drama to satisfy any movie fanatic. Then something happened. Maybe they ran out of napkins for the script or George was too busy counting his money. Either way, Return of the Jedi went from promise and then descended into a collection of cliché drenched battles that raise some serious questions. Why would an evil empire consolidate all of their forces in one area? This seems like an inviting target. Despite their label, the Rebels have a nice sized fleet that could have come in handy during the first film. However, what the film lacks, thankfully so, is the importation of CGI through the work. Rather than stupid looking effects, the viewer is treated to stupid looking puppets and idiots running around it bad costumes. If you cannot make the movie good without special effects, do not bother making it.

A cheerful ending to a trilogy based on intergalactic war. George Lucas is going to extend the series after he gets around to actually writing the final three episodes. Which means in ten years or so, we will get another CGI based piece of nonsense that will promise to remove our souls. Maybe the third installment of the prequels will deliver; I will not be holding my breath.

What You Should Look Out For:

  1. Lando saves the day and then has a Colt 45; at least he does during the special millennium edition wrapped in gold foil plucked from the earwax of James Earl Jones.
  2. Yoda dies, but in the special trademark infringement edition, Luke reveals himself as Yoda wrapped in Luke's skin. Leia falls for Yoda and they have Ewok babies.
  3. I was in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. In the final scene, if you pause the tape at just the right moment, you can see me and the Backstreet Boys robbing the corpses of Ewoks, and then we sing a song.

Your Moment of Insanity:

Strong am I with the Force, but not that strong.

Did You Know:

Apparently, people who like Star Wars hate Star Trek and vice versa. Which leaves me to ponder who would win between Captain Kirk and Luke? I would love to host a debate on the subject, but unfortunately, I have better things to do. Like watch paint dry and play naked banjo. Besides, everybody knows the Care Bears would win because they are composed of pure LSD.

Movies that area sadly without Lando:

  1. Star Wars: A New Hope
  2. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
  3. Star Wars: Attack of the Clones

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

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